The Perfect Tree

My husband constantly reminds me that things don't have to be "perfect".And I constantly remind him- oh yes, actually they do.God knew what he was doing when he created a laid back-go with the flow- it's all good-type of guy with let's make a plan to plan-make it perfect-must be precise-can't ignore the fudged details type of gal.And its a good thing. Because me being married to me would be catastrophic.  But I have the best intentions. Honest. I see something and want to do my very best. Somewhere along the line, someone must have decided perfection was attainable, because I swear I kill myself every day trying to get there. No such luck as of yet.  So now that you know the background to my little saga and I've set the stage...here's what happened. Hallmark Version: My Soldier FINALLY has a day off when we can get a Christmas Tree.
So, as a Christmas enthusiast, I decide to make a day of it. We'll find a local tree farm and drive out. There will be rows and rows of beautiful trees to choose from like on the Hallmark Channel. The owners will have beautiful wreathes on display and homemade donuts and hot chocolate. If it snows, they even have a horse-drawn sleigh!! It will be a day of memories to be made and maybe finally I can get my easy-going hubby to get excited for once! He doesn't get into Christmas, or birthdays. or any holiday really... Real Life Version: We set out for the hour drive to the tree farm I found online. Our GPS thought it would be fun to have us do a few extra loops and swoops, you know- 30 extra minutes of bonding time in the truck. We finally reach our destination and pull onto the dirt road, my anticipation a mile high for the sight just over the hill. Rows and rows and rows of trees! All skinny, scrawny and all of 3 feet tall. Not entirely what I envisioned in my perfectly planned Christmas outing. No worries, we'll find that one perfect 6 foot tree on the lot. If it takes all day.We parked and walked into the little store filled with sweet smelling wreathes and pine cones.
There were homemade donuts, before someone ate them all. And there were hot chocolate packs if the water was hot. But still, no worries, the shop was filled with adorable ornaments, some homemade and others collected from various shops around the local towns. It was a Christmas ornament museum, but that would have to wait. Hubby of course is on a mission. We came for a tree. Divide and Conquer. Then leave.So we found an employee and asked how it worked. "How what works? What do you want to know?""Finding a tree...can we just have at it and drive the lot? Do you have saws? How does this work?""Saws in the red shed. Pick whatever and bring it down. We'll tag it." (and walks away)Ok then. Off to the red shed to find a saw! 20 minutes late after evaluating each and every row of trees, none even came close to catching my eye. Tiny and scrawny.This Christmas HAS to have a perfect tree.Next year I can have a 3 foot one....So back to the store we go. We'll just pretend we cut it down. Pick one of the pre-cuts that are taller.We picked a beauty. Tagged it, paid and asked if they had a baler to tie it.
"Yap. Hold on."....... "You're good." (and walks away) Fabulous customer service. Thank you for the treasured Christmas memories made...  Finally loaded in the truck, we begin the trek home (without the GPS' help)And I, being a perfectionist and a whiner, start to complain about my dashed dreams.And My Soldier, being a fixer and mood lightener, starts to make jokes about Christmas traditions.Silly ornaments, stupid irritating lights that give seizures, sticky trees and inflated gift giving...all to try and make my unattainable vision sound less dramatic and not a "big deal"...My mission for Christmas excitement. fail.So I sulk. And apologize that I dragged him half way across the state for a dumb tree that we could have picked at the end of our street where they set up shop for trees and wreathes to be sold. I decide to shake it off and delve into dreaming of what our tree will look like with our new decorations and sparkling white lights. At home we unload, bring the tree in and set it up in our brand new stand. Our brand new stand which doesn't work because the base is wayyyyy too big.And my amazing hubby runs to the basement to return with several small blocked pieces of wood.He makes a shim to support the tree and accommodate for the abnormally wide base.Its perfect!! Perfectly smelling, perfectly straight,perfectly 6 foot beautiful Christmas tree! We put on the lights, the garland and decide to wait until after dinner to finish with the ornaments.It was then that I realized, a slight, um...tilt of the tree. Gradually, little by little sliding towards the wall. No one would ever know unless you walked across the room to admire it from another angle. But its still crooked. A crooked Christmas tree.So what do I do? Sulk. Its not perfect, its crooked. We need to fix it. So we tried, screw bolts in tighter, turn the tree to different angle. Add another support block of wood. Nada. I just wanted it to be a perfect tree, for a perfect Christmas while he was home. I wanted to look back and remember this year and smile. And you know what my sweet husband said?It is baby. It is perfect because I am with you.We have a beautiful tree. We made memories that we'll laugh about forever.There is nothing missing. Its perfect. And you know what? He's right. We have a perfect, crooked Christmas tree. One I will never forget the memory of decorating it with My Soldier.And I love it. 

   

If I'm asked ONE.MORE.TIME....

I don't often get intensely personal in my posts,mostly because, its scary.In fact, I haven't since this post It's nerve-wracking to air all your secrets on public clothes-line strung up across the world for everyone to see. But a dear friend once told me that if you can name your fears, well then they aren't so big anymore. so I'm going "to punch it square in the face" and maybe it will loosen its annoying grip.  No one, and I mean no one knows this. except for my best friend. (but everyone knows that not telling secrets excludes your best friend unless specified right?) My Soldier and I have been married almost 3 years. We're mid twenties and have years ahead of us. and yet its EVERYONE's favorite question. It doesn't matter if we are in the commissary talking to the cashier, at church chatting with friends, or bumping into old aquaintances while running errands. But my favorite is when its your family. or his. That ask every.single.time.you.see.them.  And I calmly smile and pull out a diffusing answer. to get them to shut up.when I really just want to flip.my.top.like a tea kettle that has sat on a hot stovetop for a few minutes, steaming and whistling and threatening to blow.  It's gonna happen. If I'm asked.ONE.MORE.TIME. "So when are you two going to start having children?""Don't you want to hold a cuddly little baby and know you created them?""You don't have any children YET?""Oh- are you waiting for some reason?""You probably just want to keep your hubby to yourself right? Just don't wait too long!"" I understand, you want to wait until he's sure to be home and not deployed right? Well, you know honey- there is never any assurance if he's in for the long haul." And my favorites after I've calmly pulled out some statement like, "we've got our hands full with a puppy right now!" and "we've only been married for 3 years, and we're barely mid twenties. there's no rush!" or my fall back if nothing appeases them, "well, I'd like to wait until I'm sure I won't be single parenting for the first year of their life" : "Oh, well I guess it is the Lord's timing. Don't worry, you'll have plenty of time to have a baby""Oh no! Don't wait, its so much easier to have someone else to care for through deployment. Then you won't be sitting around the house lonely and miserable""Well, if all else fails- there is always adoption and you are the perfect couple to love another child as your own!" So I bite my tongue and smack a fake smile on my face.When want I really want to do is scream at them and blurt the truth. We have tried. and tried. and tried.And its not happening. and they say nothing is wrong. And He doesn't want to try any more right now. so seeing a doctor again is pointless.And every single time you ask that question you are ripping my heart open and stabbing me in the gut.And yes, I'm happy for all of my friends who got married after me that are happily starting a family, thanks for pointing that out by the way. And can you please. just. stop. talking about it.And of course I want to carry life and see my husband in our children. Of course I think about getting older and him leaving me all alone when he deploys again.And I'm very well aware that you want to be a gramma. Don't you think I want to be a mother?Can't you see that I'm at the brink of tears or fuming every time you bring it up?And why is it, that every single person wants to announce how many of their friends are having babies right now? or have just found out that they are pregnant. I am done. I can't take it any more. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want everyone to know and talk about it themselves.But the asking has got to stop.The pressure has got to stop.Because if I'm asked ONE. MORE. TIME. I might just die.  {so much for punching fear in the face huh?}{maybe next time...} 

Excel Sheets in Real Life

I wish that every sequence of military life came with a warning label.This way when you start your first Christmas shopping excursions, it won't smack you upside the head in the middle of the store that Christmas is only 9 weeks away.... and then "next" year isn't really that far anymore ... Or when you're sitting in church for Wednesday night service you won't count the chapters of our Revelation study and realize you might have to mail the recordings for him to finish it too. And wouldn't it be amazing to have a warning label that all things change no matter how "official" they may be. or wait- is it that or official word is "official"? we play that side too... I don't quite know what to do with myself lately. Plan and make to-do lists or take it a day at a time and wait. Fast forward or pause. Because both work. and I hate that. I am your classic miss type A. I have a love affair with excel spreadsheets, checking the boxes (with a pink pen, of course), schedules and lists of requirements are my happy place and I am in my fluffy comfort-zone when I know exactly.what.to.do.   WARNING LABEL!  So this is where I need some feedback from my dear military wives.What are your methods for dealing with the upcoming "unknowns"? I'm accustomed to the count downs, the monthly markers and the events to check off along the way. But what about the moments in between? When you only have a glimpse of what's around the corner and you aren't liking the view? How do you make the list of "last ..." and "before ..." moments fun and enjoyable when its a constant ticker reminding you of what is to come? I pretty much feel like I'm loosing my mind these days and keeping it "under wraps" and explaining my drama isn't so easy. (you know this- we all like to pretend we're Army Strong and won't crack unless its behind closed doors)  I just need to know. A or B. East or West. One way or another. ...because I'm a type A and I need to type A!  

Makin' Progress

I have been working on adding a business page and making some updates around here... It's coming slow but steady. Check out my new page here. And yes- stay tuned for the rest of the changes. Come on, you didn't really think this was a legitimate post did you?  



Somewhere between shock, panic and ticked...

I didn't sleep much last night, so forgive the jumbled speak.

We got some news yesterday, I knew it was coming.
But I was braced for X information and instead I was blindsided by ABC details instead.

There I was standing in the Christmas Tree Shoppe with my mama when I got the call from My Soldier. He had been in briefings all day...
And then the roof collapsed on my head.
And I feel like someone punched me in the solarplexus somewhere around 2pm and I have yet to catch my breath.  I'm just not ready to say goodbye again. I wasn't prepared for my turn so soon...I can't share the details of course, OPSEC. 

Could I ask my blogging family for prayers? I need some today.

 
  "When our hearts do not feel that God is still in control, we must consciously dwell on the truth of the Scriptures with our minds. Our thoughts can either drain our energy and cripple us, or be a source of strength when we meditate on God's Word."


 

Wordless Wednesday

 

 Courtesy of the lovely Dana B.http://newlywedsdiaries.blogspot.com/   

That feeling when you sign your 30 page mortgage agreement...

Yesterday I officially joined the mid-20"s club.
And of course, My Soldier was MIA.
Drill weekends and TDY usually fall around holidays and birthdays.
Of the 4 years we've been together, we've shared just 1 birthday celebration each.
That's just how it works right?

I did get a present from the Army though.
A text message from my hubby saying he has 1 day to decide to re-up.
24 hours to plan the next __# years...

His service date is in June, so we thought we had several more months.
On one hand, I can not imagine a life without the military.
On the other... "normal" life, with a hubby at home. always. hmm....

But the gut-kicker was this: re-up and get a nice little bonus.
OR get out next June and he won't go on the upcoming deployment...I think the thought of getting out gave me the butterflies more than re-enlisting,
but all I got from the conversation was:

He could stay home next year. We finally got to talk about it late last night and have decided to re-up.
The Lord has yet to call us somewhere else. And we both have peace about the decision.

But you know that feeling when you sign your 30 page mortgage agreement...it still kinda feels like that.

Because no matter how you spin it- we signed over the next ___# years of our lives.

   

The Truth.

I've been thinking about what to write for months weeks... For one who is never at a loss for words- I was surprised at how difficult it was to find the words to fill an empty page after being gone so long.

It seems I go back and forth between raw, honest postings of the ups and downs in life and the run of the mill- this is what I've been up to nonsense.  The latter is usually easier to share.

But that is not what I am going to write today.
I'll be honest.

I think I've been avoiding you (the blogging world), because I don't want to be submersed in the reality that many of you are still enduring deployments, lonely nights, broken down cars, single parenting and the rest of our endless bulleted list when your soldier is away. I've tried to stay clear of reading stories that make me tear up and cling with a death grip to my soldier who I'm so blessed to have sleep beside me every night.Kinda pathetic and selfish huh?

Something in me seemed to crack a few months back, when my best friend sent her beloved Marine off to war like the rest of us. It's her first deployment.
Without making this sound like "it's all about me"... it has been like reliving my own.  And that means I am constantly aware of the monsterous typhoon cloud looming overhead.
Deployment #2 is closing in. I know this is life. This is my duty. I love being a soldier's wife.
But is it really possible to live through it again? I feel like I used to be the most independant person I knew. I hated every single moment of deployment. But I lived. I breathed. I even admit- I had some fun adventures!
I look back and remember, and I realize that I was given grace to endure it.
That I was never alone.  But I don't feel like that person anymore.
I don't feel strong and independant. or carefree or go with the flow.I feel clingy and weak and co-dependant. And must have a plan D incase A,B and C don't pan out.I feel smaller and a little less confidant that I can do it again. I don't feel like I am qualified to fill this role anymore.
Somehow I am still reeling from the roller coaster ride 2 years ago.2 years. and I still have the nightmares.
Drill weekends still bring occasional tears. a drill WEEKEND. Didn't I used to laugh at 3 months? Like it was a breeze to endure after 13? Where did she go?The one held it together, smiled bravely and said everything was fine-just so he'd make it through his day with ease? I think she's still in there somewhere... but how do I find her? 

Hello, My name is Mrs.Griffin and I am a horribly inconsistant blogger.

I feel like its a bit redundant to once again for the bagillionth time announcemy return to the blogging world....it seems I am making a trend of such titles. To catch you up in super-duper warp speeds: My puppy is "the exception" to every rule known to dog owners and I have had the little miss at the vets SEVEN times this month for everything from her spay surgery going horribly wrong, to a hot spot, to a sprained leg. Poor baby. So long budget .  I quit my 50+ hour a week finance job and started my own business. YIKES!
(If this was the only thing on my list- you'd know why I have been a stranger around here...)I am loving the life of setting my own hours and being my own boss, but that comes with lengthy days getting it kickstarted and going strong. My best friend in CO is PCS-ing to another time-zone.
No this doesn't really affect me...except yes it does because it takes two to pack a box and plan a move. even if I'm 22 states away. Last week my oldest friend in the world said goodbye to her Marine for 12 months.
She is such a beautiful and strong wife and mother. I respect her so much.It was much more difficult to walk with her through this journey than I expected.I wasn't prepared for the thousand emotions that slammed into my chest as I pulled onto the base for his sendoff, they really are all the same... And wouldn't you know it, the month I am done work and starting the business at home, My Soldier has AT and is working all hours of the day and night. I haven't seen him in months it seems...  But this is life right? Learning to balance the chaos and madness gracefully? I won't promise to be around here more often, but I hope to say hello again soon.   

My Next Adventure

I am so very excited to share with all of you what has been consuming my free time as of late....

I am now an official Arbonne International Consultant!

Having just signed up last week, my kitchen at the present time looks like an Arbonne Christmas exploded! 

I was thrilled to come home to 4 lovely boxes filled with Arbonne goodies for my starter kit.

The products are even packaged pretty!

 

 For those of you who aren't familiar with Arbonne, you seriously owe it to yourself to check it out! 

 For years I have been an avid supporter of their products and their promise to deliver pure, safe and beneficial products that uphold their botanical tradition.

 

It wasn't until just recently a family member (an area manager for Arbonne) asked me to take a closer look at the business side of Arbonne. My first thought was that I wouldn't be any good at it, or that I wouldn't have the time to start it up while working a 45+ hours a week job...but the more I looked into this incredible opportunity, the more I realized it was a tangible reality for me.  She gave me this video and it really made me think... why not? Why isn't that lifestyle and opportunity as available to me as it is to them?

 

Then I made My Soldier watch it. And read the pamphlets. And listen to the informational call.

His approval sealed the deal. So here I am!

Kickstarting a new home business, with a crazy work week that requires an hour drive both ways, a puppy who is in desperate need of training and excerise,and these insane migraines that have plagued me for the last 6 months. 

 

And I'm loving it.

 

 I am busting my hiney to get my calendar filled with party dates and new clients to order products.

This isn't a get rich quick scheme by any means, but it is a lifestyle worth the work.

Freedom of time, being my own boss, and being part of an organization that strives to bring beauty to the world inside and out. Not to mention their products are amazing quality.

 

I have the best intentions to spend a little more time around here...

Look for my new Arbonne page..it's in the making!

 

Arbonne.com

 

 

 

AND THE WINNER IS....

Finally...for my end of the month beginning of the month give-away....  The lucky winner is.... #3 Kelly Lynn from You + Me = Wii !!!! Your fabulous prize??? 

 You are eligible for a $20.00 off coupon on any Arbonne purchase!!! AND a free surprise product when you order!Don't wait- hop on over and make your wish list!  ***** Never heard of Arbonne? Click here and discover how this amazing line of health and wellness products can change your life.  Come back tomorrow to find out how Arbonne changed MY life and why this giveaway is the start for my next adventure as an Army Wife!  **** To all those who introduced themselves- it was so nice to meet you! Come back soon for another giveaway in the making!! 

LAST CHANCE!!!

 Today is the last day to enter my giveaway! Have you entered yet? Theres been a lot of you who stopped by...but only a few left comments... (better chances for those who did to win!) Come on! Introduce yourself- win a fabulous giveaway!! I'd really like to meet you!  

Nice to Meet You

I came to the realization today that I don't know many of my readers.
I have yet to have the priviledge of meeting YOU!
I don't know how you found my blog,
Who you are and what you blog about.
(In fact, I haven't had the opportunity to follow many of you-tell me where you call bloggie-home!)
Are you a milspouse too?
What part of the world are you reading from?
Maybe we have a lot in common....maybe we live close to each other...
you never know!
SO
the next time you stop by to say hello, won't you introduce yourself?
I'd really like to say "nice to meet you"
******
P.S- those of you who are proactive followers and leave a comment introducing yourself will be entered for a fun surprise giveaway at the end of the month!!! Want two entries? Blog about this post and leave the link in an additional comment!
******

The "D" Word.

My head has been spinning lately.

I keep catching myself playing the "what if" and "when" game...

deployment is slapping me in the face from every angle.

and my soldier isn't even deploying.
not for another year.

but my best friend's are facing it in their near future. they are making plans and adjustments. preparing themselves for single mommy-hood. steeling themselves for the rough journey.

and everything is flooding back.

the long nights filled with insomnia. the lonely days waiting for that blessed 5 minutes phone call.

I can't decide whats better, the blissful ignorance of first deployment or the painful truth of knowing what lies ahead. I've tried to be still and listen to what I know the Father must be trying to reveal through this.I know it isn't my burden to carry.

I believe and have faith that He gives grace sufficiently.

I KNOW He gives strength for each day.

And I still find myself trying to stand beneath the weight.

I want to spare them from the pain.

the fear. the constant worry. the loneliness.

I know how to be a hooah buddy and walk through the "tour of duty" when I'm going through the same thing. I've been there through the tears and long awaited letters, the 3 am phone calls because you can't sleep. planning skype dates and sending flat rates.

I understood because I was living in the same shoes.

But what will I say when I have my soldier in my arms?

How do I comfort in the middle of the night when my bed isn't lonely and cold,
when ACU's still line my closet and dirty PT's fill my hamper?

I'm scared my "hooah hooah hooah" won't be the same.

That kills me.

As thankful as I am that My Soldier won't be leaving anytime soon, I think I almost feel guilty for it. Like somehow I should walk through the same journey while they do. If only they would all deploy at the same time. later, not sooner.

If only Soldiers could arrive at home at 5 o'clock for dinner everynight
and tuck their daughters into bed for a goodnight kiss.
and no birthdays, holidays and anniversaries were missed.
and puppies were family pets and not guard dogs when you're scared to live alone.

If only the "sandbox" was a place where sand castles were built and seashells were lined in rows.
If only life were... simple? easy? fair?

Deployment. I just don't know what to do with you...

How do you face deployment fears?
Have you ever felt the weight of someone else's trial?

Techinically a post. Not so much.

I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have writer’s block. That is, I haven’t had the opportunity to remember. Somewhere between the 45 minute drive one way to work, 8 hours later repeating the same endless road, the arriving home 2 hours after my soldier, scarfing down dinner (that my amazing husband makes every single night now…) playing with my puppy and kissing my soldier goodnight, I fall into bed with not one ounce of energy left…. And not one thought to share with you even if I had a spare moment…
I miss having writers block. I miss writing and rewriting, or staring at the page until I finally think of something that might be of interest to any of you who might still check in now and again to see if I’ve actually returned to the blogging world.
I miss reading and following all of you! Please!!, will someone tell me how to balance this complicated thing called life? How do you fit it all in? When do you find the time for hobbies or even exercise (don’t even get me started on how long its been since I’ve said hello to my elliptical…or hit play to do my cardio videos...yikes!) when you are only home long enough to sleep and restart the day yet again?

Even as I am sitting here, I'm madly typing as if I have a time clock... grrr! My Soldier is MIA tonight. He's working a FTP with NVG's.
So I have the house to myself.And the puppy...errr...growing monster. Everytime I turn around she's grown an inch, has new teeth and ways 4 more pounds.(She's helping me type by the way- making this muchhhh less complicated than normal...)

*****
I did actually do something fun this past weekend. I had an Arbonne Makeup Party! If you haven't heard of Arbonne before... it is all-natural, organic, botanically-based, ph correct and has absolutely no chemicals. Why is it different than other products? Other products contain things like mineral oil (refined crude oil), petrolatum, petroleum, artificial dyes and colors, and artificial fragrances. (All of these things which have been proven to cause cancer, toxicity, reproductive problems, skin and eye irritants etc...
If you have never heard about chemicals and animal byproducts in personal care products and cosmetics, check this out (click on the look inside tab). You NEED to know this info! Theres tons of info out there, most people just never knew to research it. I never did!Arbonne has beautiful cosmetics, amazing skin care products, dietary supplements and baby products... you can find their website here. And if you are interested, email me! I would love to share my favorite things about this great company or place an order for you to try it! I wish my post were more interesting, eloquent, or even EXISTANT...but this is all I've got for now...puppy is turning into a demanding monster with daddy gone for the night. She's now not only helping me type but in my lap trying to take over all together!

My Baby

My baby isn't a baby any more! She is getting SO big. (no really...it scares me a little to think of how big she will be full grown. ahh!) Three weeks ago she weighed 15 lbs. at three months. I swear she has gained 15+ since then.

I'm beginning to worry when every person who sees her exclaims "look at those paws! how old? really. wow. that puppy is going to be upwards of 115 lbs." Yikes!! Its a darn good thing she is so smart and is learning quickly. She'd better be all trained by the time "daddy" goes back to the desert or this mama is going to be the one who's being taken for a walk!

This was Delta the day we brought her home. On November 12.

This is Delta last week. Thats only two months people!!!