The D- Word

It’s time again. Time for calendars and countdowns,

checklists and to-do’s….

We’ve known it was coming for a while….it was just the time frame that kept changing. Pushed up, pushed back. Original date. New date. That’s the army way.

I feel like I’m doing pretty well considering. I can talk about it without having an emotional breakdown in public. And people keep asking me how I’m “dealing” and I find a quirky answer about being “army strong” and “soldiering on”… most days that’s fairly true.
But others, not so much.

It’s a whole new ball game this time around. I’ve done the whole long-distance, where-in-the-world-is-Waldo , talk once a week for 5 minutes and 22 seconds bit… only last time was our first deployment and I was blissfully ignorant to the suck I was about to embrace. And I was living at home with my parents and my best friend was in the same shoes. And I was in school. And working full-time. And busy busy busy.

Round Two is a little more daunting it seems…. living alone in a brand new, big empty house with a puppy who gives kisses but can’t talk back…working from home most days and having lots of free time and long nights…my best friend clear across country(literally) and my oldest friend, though just reaching the end of her first deployment - she has a baby and is in a different phase of life right now...

Everyone  I know that is facing deployment has a different perspective… they are not worried about whether their dog will ever eat again and how to stop the incessant whining at the door when he’s not home. And then there is the fact that I know exactly what is coming, and I don’t like what I see…

So, here is my fair warning of the whining that’s sure to come. Don’t get me wrong, I am so very proud of my soldier and I am so blessed to have the life we do- military and all…But, I’m still dreading what’s just around the corner waiting for us.

For some reason, I have it in my head that this one is the worst. First time- ignorance can be bliss- third time seems like one would feel like you’ve conquered the challenge before and survived.

But right there in the middle…. That’s what has got me a little worried.

Are any of you up for your second deployment? What keeps you distracted and focused on enjoying the time at hand?

I’ve heard both sides: start new hobbies, join a club, volunteer for an organization…vs… this is not a time to add stress and take on the world, maintain your schedule, stay busy but don’t add to your plate just yet… What do you think? Any suggestions?

At the end of the day, I know that my Lord is in control.  He knows when My Soldier and I will be saying our “see you laters” and where he will be going and how long he’ll be away and whether we will get an R&R.

He knows all things and all things work together for the good to those who love Him.

So if I start to lose sight of that truth, will someone please remind me?

I’d like to try and pull this off with a little grace. Not a lot, but a little…

Hopeful

My sister recently posted about her word for 2012…and it got me thinking.  For the past few months I have associated many words and descriptions for this year...

Words like Panic. Deployment. Fear. Dread. Countdown. Alone.

 These words have been trapped in my mind, tossed about and thrown into focus at any random moment.  They have kept me from resting in His presence and being joyful in the time that I have. But no more.

 New Year’s came and went, and I realized that I didn’t fall apart. That the earth didn’t shatter beneath my feet and the waves didn’t swallow me up. Neither did it change anything- those words are still there… but I’m still standing. And I’ve discovered a new word. An unexpected revelation for this year.

Hopeful.

Hopeful doesn’t mean no tears. It doesn’t mean my countdown reversed. It doesn’t mean that I am not fearful. And it doesn’t mean that I have a tingly excitement of something new.  However, this is what it DOES mean:

Hopeful means that Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow and 3 months from now, My Lord is the same.

Hopeful means new opportunities and advancement for the Kingdom.

Hopeful means that I am never truly alone. Because He knows where I am. In the day and

during the night.

Hopeful is the promise of what is to come… the truth He has a prosperous and successful future for me.

Hopeful is knowing that “neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord”.

HOPEFUL means that these other words can’t control me any longer. Because you can’t hope in the Lord and be chained to the devil.

Will you be hopeful with me?

Whatever your situation is, whether you awake with dread each day or feel like you’re stuck in a pit of despair… or can’t see through the glass clearly and fear what lies ahead…

Will you chose to be hopeful?

And if you’re caught in a moment where you aren’t sure you have it in you, look UP.  There’s always hope when you look up… 

Excel Sheets in Real Life

I wish that every sequence of military life came with a warning label.This way when you start your first Christmas shopping excursions, it won't smack you upside the head in the middle of the store that Christmas is only 9 weeks away.... and then "next" year isn't really that far anymore ... Or when you're sitting in church for Wednesday night service you won't count the chapters of our Revelation study and realize you might have to mail the recordings for him to finish it too. And wouldn't it be amazing to have a warning label that all things change no matter how "official" they may be. or wait- is it that or official word is "official"? we play that side too... I don't quite know what to do with myself lately. Plan and make to-do lists or take it a day at a time and wait. Fast forward or pause. Because both work. and I hate that. I am your classic miss type A. I have a love affair with excel spreadsheets, checking the boxes (with a pink pen, of course), schedules and lists of requirements are my happy place and I am in my fluffy comfort-zone when I know exactly.what.to.do.   WARNING LABEL!  So this is where I need some feedback from my dear military wives.What are your methods for dealing with the upcoming "unknowns"? I'm accustomed to the count downs, the monthly markers and the events to check off along the way. But what about the moments in between? When you only have a glimpse of what's around the corner and you aren't liking the view? How do you make the list of "last ..." and "before ..." moments fun and enjoyable when its a constant ticker reminding you of what is to come? I pretty much feel like I'm loosing my mind these days and keeping it "under wraps" and explaining my drama isn't so easy. (you know this- we all like to pretend we're Army Strong and won't crack unless its behind closed doors)  I just need to know. A or B. East or West. One way or another. ...because I'm a type A and I need to type A!  

Somewhere between shock, panic and ticked...

I didn't sleep much last night, so forgive the jumbled speak.

We got some news yesterday, I knew it was coming.
But I was braced for X information and instead I was blindsided by ABC details instead.

There I was standing in the Christmas Tree Shoppe with my mama when I got the call from My Soldier. He had been in briefings all day...
And then the roof collapsed on my head.
And I feel like someone punched me in the solarplexus somewhere around 2pm and I have yet to catch my breath.  I'm just not ready to say goodbye again. I wasn't prepared for my turn so soon...I can't share the details of course, OPSEC. 

Could I ask my blogging family for prayers? I need some today.

 
  "When our hearts do not feel that God is still in control, we must consciously dwell on the truth of the Scriptures with our minds. Our thoughts can either drain our energy and cripple us, or be a source of strength when we meditate on God's Word."


 

The Truth.

I've been thinking about what to write for months weeks... For one who is never at a loss for words- I was surprised at how difficult it was to find the words to fill an empty page after being gone so long.

It seems I go back and forth between raw, honest postings of the ups and downs in life and the run of the mill- this is what I've been up to nonsense.  The latter is usually easier to share.

But that is not what I am going to write today.
I'll be honest.

I think I've been avoiding you (the blogging world), because I don't want to be submersed in the reality that many of you are still enduring deployments, lonely nights, broken down cars, single parenting and the rest of our endless bulleted list when your soldier is away. I've tried to stay clear of reading stories that make me tear up and cling with a death grip to my soldier who I'm so blessed to have sleep beside me every night.Kinda pathetic and selfish huh?

Something in me seemed to crack a few months back, when my best friend sent her beloved Marine off to war like the rest of us. It's her first deployment.
Without making this sound like "it's all about me"... it has been like reliving my own.  And that means I am constantly aware of the monsterous typhoon cloud looming overhead.
Deployment #2 is closing in. I know this is life. This is my duty. I love being a soldier's wife.
But is it really possible to live through it again? I feel like I used to be the most independant person I knew. I hated every single moment of deployment. But I lived. I breathed. I even admit- I had some fun adventures!
I look back and remember, and I realize that I was given grace to endure it.
That I was never alone.  But I don't feel like that person anymore.
I don't feel strong and independant. or carefree or go with the flow.I feel clingy and weak and co-dependant. And must have a plan D incase A,B and C don't pan out.I feel smaller and a little less confidant that I can do it again. I don't feel like I am qualified to fill this role anymore.
Somehow I am still reeling from the roller coaster ride 2 years ago.2 years. and I still have the nightmares.
Drill weekends still bring occasional tears. a drill WEEKEND. Didn't I used to laugh at 3 months? Like it was a breeze to endure after 13? Where did she go?The one held it together, smiled bravely and said everything was fine-just so he'd make it through his day with ease? I think she's still in there somewhere... but how do I find her? 

The "D" Word.

My head has been spinning lately.

I keep catching myself playing the "what if" and "when" game...

deployment is slapping me in the face from every angle.

and my soldier isn't even deploying.
not for another year.

but my best friend's are facing it in their near future. they are making plans and adjustments. preparing themselves for single mommy-hood. steeling themselves for the rough journey.

and everything is flooding back.

the long nights filled with insomnia. the lonely days waiting for that blessed 5 minutes phone call.

I can't decide whats better, the blissful ignorance of first deployment or the painful truth of knowing what lies ahead. I've tried to be still and listen to what I know the Father must be trying to reveal through this.I know it isn't my burden to carry.

I believe and have faith that He gives grace sufficiently.

I KNOW He gives strength for each day.

And I still find myself trying to stand beneath the weight.

I want to spare them from the pain.

the fear. the constant worry. the loneliness.

I know how to be a hooah buddy and walk through the "tour of duty" when I'm going through the same thing. I've been there through the tears and long awaited letters, the 3 am phone calls because you can't sleep. planning skype dates and sending flat rates.

I understood because I was living in the same shoes.

But what will I say when I have my soldier in my arms?

How do I comfort in the middle of the night when my bed isn't lonely and cold,
when ACU's still line my closet and dirty PT's fill my hamper?

I'm scared my "hooah hooah hooah" won't be the same.

That kills me.

As thankful as I am that My Soldier won't be leaving anytime soon, I think I almost feel guilty for it. Like somehow I should walk through the same journey while they do. If only they would all deploy at the same time. later, not sooner.

If only Soldiers could arrive at home at 5 o'clock for dinner everynight
and tuck their daughters into bed for a goodnight kiss.
and no birthdays, holidays and anniversaries were missed.
and puppies were family pets and not guard dogs when you're scared to live alone.

If only the "sandbox" was a place where sand castles were built and seashells were lined in rows.
If only life were... simple? easy? fair?

Deployment. I just don't know what to do with you...

How do you face deployment fears?
Have you ever felt the weight of someone else's trial?