And so it begins...

Crazy In the Head

Deployment makes you go crazy.

Before. During. After.

Legit Crazy.

If you've ever experience deployment, you'll know what I'm talking about.

If you haven't, well I hope you never have to.

Dreams- Where in the heck to the wacked dreams COME from?

 I can understand the insane dreams of ninja terrorists breaking into your house, killing the dog and kidnapping you to bribe your soldier for information.

Or the ones where you miss the send off and suddenly realize that you won't see your soldier for an entire year and you don't understand what happened or why he couldn't say goodbye.

The nightmares, I expect. I hate them but I understand.

But, what about the ones where you find yourself in a foreign country trying to find your soldier and there are ten thousand uniforms and all the faces are blurred out and you can't find yours no matter how hard you try. You scream and scream and call for him but he doesn't answer...

Or the ones where your front door gets stuck and you can't open it for all your worth and the dog has to go out and contemplate shoving her out the window. and then the aspca comes and takes her away becase your neighbor saw you throw her out the window.

(so this may be an actual concern, seeing as how our door keeps getting stuck and I am not strong even to open it!)

Or, let's just talk about the crazy hormones going on.

S.T.R.E.S.S

What if I forget to change the oil in the car? What if I send our house into financial ruin?

Pizza for dinner. I should have made his favorite, I'm a terrible wife.

Don't ask for his help on this, you have to learn to do it alone.

He asks for another cupcake, I say no because they are for the party. He says, isn't it my party? Yes- but I don't want you to eat them now. Ten minutes later on the floor in a puddle of tears, he promises he didn't really want a second cupcake but says he'll eat five if I will stop crying.

I'm annoyed at him for throwing dirty laundry in the basket of clean towels. and out of nowhere the thought flies into my head, it'll be so much easier when he isn't here to make a mess!

 And then the hysterical tears of guilt.

Oh, the guilt. Have mercy.

I ran an errand when he was home. I missed 3 hours I could have spent with him.

I shouldn't have stayed up to watch American Idol, I should have gone to bed with him....

I've got to get out of my own head.

I am going crazy!

WE: not me vs. you.

"Hatred stirs up quarrels, but love overs all offenses."

Proverbs 10:12

There has been a lot of smoke around the milspouse blogging world as of late.

Most of you know what I am talking about.

I had to wait a couple days before writing this post, because I knew in my heart of hearts- that my ugly flesh would come roaring out if I did not allow the Spirit flood in.

I am addressing it, not to fuel the fire.

Not to defend my husband or my role as an Army Guard Wife.

Not to confront or put someone in there place.

And certainly not to spread gossip.

But I do think it needs to be addressed.

Because this kind of bickering and backlash tears a body down.

And aren't we all one body?

Don't we all serve for one common goal?

Didn't we all recite the same pledge and creed?

It is no secret, that in the military world each branch is distinct.

Army.Marine.Navy.AirForce.

Active.Guard.Reserve.

And we all know the jokes. the poking at each other.

 "marine jarheads",

  "ain't ready for marines yet army",

 "sailors who don't swim"

"air conditioned airforce"....

I would be lying if I said they've never been spoken in my household.

You'd be lying if you did, because we all say them.

And we all laugh.

But at the end of the day, whether I'm talking to my best friend whose husband is a deployed Marine,

or my co-worker whose husband and son are in the Air Force,

We are all in this TOGETHER.

We may not walk the same steps, but we walk the same path.

Its true, that I cannot relate to PCSing or moving across country.

But I do know the struggle of deployment without knowing another milspouse nearby to confide in.

I don't have to worry about My Soldier deploying every other year.

I worry deployment every two years. because our guard unit is the most deployed unit in our state.

The longest stretch (aside from deployment) that I've gone without My Soldier is a 3-4 month school.
But we've never known a one weekend a month, two weeks a year schedule. ever.

in fact we've been training for this deployment since four months after last deployment,

 and we already have alerts for the next deployment before this one even starts.

I don't call it a BX, I call it a PX. even though the only one in a 50 mile radius is technically a BX.

I don't understand the Marine ranking system.

 (my best friend and I try and figure out what means what in "our" branch....its really funny actually.)

The list could go on and on and on...

Because we are different.

But we are also the same.

When we start walking towards that place where we compare and try to exalt ourselves against our brothers and sisters...thats a dangerous place to be in.

As you can imagine, military spouses are STRONG.

We have to be.

We learn to brave a smile when our love in uniform kisses us for the last time in X months and walks away leaving us standing alone...

We take on dual parenting.

We learn to mow the lawn or shovel the driveway.

We take over finances.

We sleep in a big empty bed.

We wait all day for 5 minutes of delayed fragmented phone calls.

We study for promotions and boards.

We memorize ranks.
We learn acronyms.
We encourage and support our uniform.

When did we become me vs. you?

When did details break down a community of support and acceptance?

When did difference become distance, and camaraderie become competition?

I won't deny my initial reaction to this spiral of controversy.

I was hurt. Offended. Outraged.

As I should have.

But what does quarreling accomplish?

Nothing.

My sister said it best here, that every uniform, regardless of branch, regardless of rank,

stands shoulder to shoulder to defend our country and uphold their oath.

Shouldn't we as milspouse's follow their lead?

Excel Sheets in Real Life

I wish that every sequence of military life came with a warning label.This way when you start your first Christmas shopping excursions, it won't smack you upside the head in the middle of the store that Christmas is only 9 weeks away.... and then "next" year isn't really that far anymore ... Or when you're sitting in church for Wednesday night service you won't count the chapters of our Revelation study and realize you might have to mail the recordings for him to finish it too. And wouldn't it be amazing to have a warning label that all things change no matter how "official" they may be. or wait- is it that or official word is "official"? we play that side too... I don't quite know what to do with myself lately. Plan and make to-do lists or take it a day at a time and wait. Fast forward or pause. Because both work. and I hate that. I am your classic miss type A. I have a love affair with excel spreadsheets, checking the boxes (with a pink pen, of course), schedules and lists of requirements are my happy place and I am in my fluffy comfort-zone when I know exactly.what.to.do.   WARNING LABEL!  So this is where I need some feedback from my dear military wives.What are your methods for dealing with the upcoming "unknowns"? I'm accustomed to the count downs, the monthly markers and the events to check off along the way. But what about the moments in between? When you only have a glimpse of what's around the corner and you aren't liking the view? How do you make the list of "last ..." and "before ..." moments fun and enjoyable when its a constant ticker reminding you of what is to come? I pretty much feel like I'm loosing my mind these days and keeping it "under wraps" and explaining my drama isn't so easy. (you know this- we all like to pretend we're Army Strong and won't crack unless its behind closed doors)  I just need to know. A or B. East or West. One way or another. ...because I'm a type A and I need to type A!  

That feeling when you sign your 30 page mortgage agreement...

Yesterday I officially joined the mid-20"s club.
And of course, My Soldier was MIA.
Drill weekends and TDY usually fall around holidays and birthdays.
Of the 4 years we've been together, we've shared just 1 birthday celebration each.
That's just how it works right?

I did get a present from the Army though.
A text message from my hubby saying he has 1 day to decide to re-up.
24 hours to plan the next __# years...

His service date is in June, so we thought we had several more months.
On one hand, I can not imagine a life without the military.
On the other... "normal" life, with a hubby at home. always. hmm....

But the gut-kicker was this: re-up and get a nice little bonus.
OR get out next June and he won't go on the upcoming deployment...I think the thought of getting out gave me the butterflies more than re-enlisting,
but all I got from the conversation was:

He could stay home next year. We finally got to talk about it late last night and have decided to re-up.
The Lord has yet to call us somewhere else. And we both have peace about the decision.

But you know that feeling when you sign your 30 page mortgage agreement...it still kinda feels like that.

Because no matter how you spin it- we signed over the next ___# years of our lives.

   

Hello, My name is Mrs.Griffin and I am a horribly inconsistant blogger.

I feel like its a bit redundant to once again for the bagillionth time announcemy return to the blogging world....it seems I am making a trend of such titles. To catch you up in super-duper warp speeds: My puppy is "the exception" to every rule known to dog owners and I have had the little miss at the vets SEVEN times this month for everything from her spay surgery going horribly wrong, to a hot spot, to a sprained leg. Poor baby. So long budget .  I quit my 50+ hour a week finance job and started my own business. YIKES!
(If this was the only thing on my list- you'd know why I have been a stranger around here...)I am loving the life of setting my own hours and being my own boss, but that comes with lengthy days getting it kickstarted and going strong. My best friend in CO is PCS-ing to another time-zone.
No this doesn't really affect me...except yes it does because it takes two to pack a box and plan a move. even if I'm 22 states away. Last week my oldest friend in the world said goodbye to her Marine for 12 months.
She is such a beautiful and strong wife and mother. I respect her so much.It was much more difficult to walk with her through this journey than I expected.I wasn't prepared for the thousand emotions that slammed into my chest as I pulled onto the base for his sendoff, they really are all the same... And wouldn't you know it, the month I am done work and starting the business at home, My Soldier has AT and is working all hours of the day and night. I haven't seen him in months it seems...  But this is life right? Learning to balance the chaos and madness gracefully? I won't promise to be around here more often, but I hope to say hello again soon.   

The "D" Word.

My head has been spinning lately.

I keep catching myself playing the "what if" and "when" game...

deployment is slapping me in the face from every angle.

and my soldier isn't even deploying.
not for another year.

but my best friend's are facing it in their near future. they are making plans and adjustments. preparing themselves for single mommy-hood. steeling themselves for the rough journey.

and everything is flooding back.

the long nights filled with insomnia. the lonely days waiting for that blessed 5 minutes phone call.

I can't decide whats better, the blissful ignorance of first deployment or the painful truth of knowing what lies ahead. I've tried to be still and listen to what I know the Father must be trying to reveal through this.I know it isn't my burden to carry.

I believe and have faith that He gives grace sufficiently.

I KNOW He gives strength for each day.

And I still find myself trying to stand beneath the weight.

I want to spare them from the pain.

the fear. the constant worry. the loneliness.

I know how to be a hooah buddy and walk through the "tour of duty" when I'm going through the same thing. I've been there through the tears and long awaited letters, the 3 am phone calls because you can't sleep. planning skype dates and sending flat rates.

I understood because I was living in the same shoes.

But what will I say when I have my soldier in my arms?

How do I comfort in the middle of the night when my bed isn't lonely and cold,
when ACU's still line my closet and dirty PT's fill my hamper?

I'm scared my "hooah hooah hooah" won't be the same.

That kills me.

As thankful as I am that My Soldier won't be leaving anytime soon, I think I almost feel guilty for it. Like somehow I should walk through the same journey while they do. If only they would all deploy at the same time. later, not sooner.

If only Soldiers could arrive at home at 5 o'clock for dinner everynight
and tuck their daughters into bed for a goodnight kiss.
and no birthdays, holidays and anniversaries were missed.
and puppies were family pets and not guard dogs when you're scared to live alone.

If only the "sandbox" was a place where sand castles were built and seashells were lined in rows.
If only life were... simple? easy? fair?

Deployment. I just don't know what to do with you...

How do you face deployment fears?
Have you ever felt the weight of someone else's trial?

Happy Veterans Day

I awoke this morning, disgruntled that I had to work on a holiday.

Annoyed that my husband was still cozy in bed and I was rushing to get ready instead of snuggling with him.

I left a card by his coffee mug, "My Sexy Soldier...Thank you for being My Hero..." and quickly kissed him goodbye.

At work I grabbed the newspaper and scanned the headlines for what I expected to be filled with grateful articles for our many military men and women....

There were announcements of parades, free dinners and discount sales.

Pictures of retired veterans and military families with patriotic attire and flags.

and then there was his photo. just a single small paragraph.

and a face too young to be remembered in such a way.

there was another photo. a woman beside a grave.

an article about a mother who recalled the memories of her boy's childhood

and the love he had for his country.

And it hit me like a slap across the face.

today wasn't just a day for them.

It isn't a day for discounts or free meals,

parade floats or waving flags.

or even for hero cards and thank you's.

I woke this morning to kiss my soldier and tell him I am proud of him.

They woke this morning to remember their last words

to picture their smile and confidence

to close their eyes and feel that last embrace.

Being an Army Wife, I take to heart the days set aside to honor my husband and the military.

I am touched when people say thank you when we are out and he is in uniform.

I cry at every commercial that shows a service member being sent off or welcomed home.

I feel it. all of it.

But this morning, when I saw his photo,

the young man whom I have never had the priviledge to meet...

I had to check my heart.

I realized once again how blessed I am to have my soldier in my arms.

Today became not just a day that I was to honor my own soldier...

to be proud of him and the man I fell in love with.

But to really take thought and honor all those who fight so bravely.

all those families who have sacrified for us.

all those who wake up this morning and know that Veterans Day isn't just another day.

But a day to honor the greatest sacrifice that can be given.

A day to remember the hero they love.

From the depths of my heart

thank you to those who are fighting today.

thank you to those who cannot wish their soldier

Happy Veterans Day but honor their memory and sacrifice alone.

thank you for the many sacrifices you have made.

thank you for being strong so that I didn't have to today.

You will never be forgotten.

You will never be taken for granted.

You will always be honored for your devotion and sacrifice.

You are heroes.

Let the Waters Rise if You Want them To....

It seems like Jesus has given me a song for each day this week, just enough to keep me singing through it. His grace is sufficient. Doesn't he always provide? Sometimes through means we can't always see, understand or even appreciate...but he is always faithful. Always present.
*****
On Monday I finally went to see my Nana. It was a difficult goodbye and I dreaded it so much. I barely said two words to my husband the whole drive. And believe me, only two words in an hour is a statement in itself. He was worried. (If you're concluding that I always have something to say- you win.) We arrived to meet my parents before going in to see her. I thought I was doing ok, but then I saw my daddy. You know when you were a kid and you fell and scraped your knee, holding in tears only until you see your Mom's face before falling apart?
Yup, that's my dad. Still works. Every time.
I lost it. But I knew I had to see her. To say goodbye. To tell her she could go home and didn't have to wait any more. I was the last one....I just couldn't do it before. I wasn't ready. But she was my Nana- she deserved a goodbye. I wanted to show her the same love and respect she had modeled to me growing up. I wanted to tell her I loved her again.
She's been sick for a long time. She was diagnosed with dementia four years ago, but for the last year and a half she hasn't recognized any of us. I used to see her every day, until the day she walked right by me in the hallway. And then the next time I went she was rocking a baby doll, singing my favorite song... it was too painful. I've wrestled guilt for a while, not visiting her in so long. Not being strong enough to handle the pain just to see her. She never knew... we were just faces at that point. But I still feel badly about it. When I went to say goodbye, I was taken back. She wasn't at all the Nana I had known. The pictures I had memorized in my mind.
She was sleeping. Snoring actually. loudly. The medications they had said. It took me a while to enter the room. We stood around the bed, talked about the funny memories and little quirks we all loved about Nana. We cried. And then I had them leave so I could say goodbye.
At first I just sat and held her hand. What can you say to a woman who loved you all your life, who made the best root beer floats, taught you to knit, gave you "mcdonalds money", had tea parties with real china and was present at every important event in your life?
I love you. I miss you. Your skin is still so soft and lovely. I am excited for you to see His face. I will see you again soon.
Tuesday evening my mom called. She wanted my younger brother to spend the night. She thought it was time. Two hours later she called my brother, Nana had gone to be with the Lord. I didn't cry. I needed to be the one to be strong. And praise the Lord he gave me the strength.
It was a hard evening for all of us. But a celebration too. There is no more pain, tears, or fear for her now. She is sitting at the foot of Christ. In awe of his splendor. I'm so glad I said goodbye. I'm glad she didn't have to wait anymore.

******
I had an appointment this morning and on the way I realized that the traffic was backed up more than usual for that part of town. And then at my exit, I realized why.

Several huge firetrucks lined the exit- displaying a glorious American flag, hung in honor of Sgt. Brandon Silk.Little did I know that my husband and his unit had just saluted our hero and my dad was among the police officers to escort him and the family. I was directly behind his processional home. I don't know why the Lord planned it that way- it was more than I could take at the moment. But there I was driving behind the crowds who came to pay respects and honor a hero, streets lined with flags, ribbons and posters, trying to make sense of it all. I can't come up with any answers as of now. Except that He knows best for us. That doesn't always comfort as it should.

As difficult as its been to watch my Nana become weaker and weaker, I have a better grasp on her death. She lived life, she honored the Lord. She loved and was loved. Her death is mourned, but it was expected.

Brandon's...I'm not handling so well. He was 25. Only two years older than I am. His life was just beginning. I try and make sense of this roller coaster of military life. I try and understand the sacrifice and dedication that I have become part of. That I take pride and honor in.


But now it's different. Now it's personal. It's close. Too close.

Before, this horrid fear caught in the pit of your stomach was around the corner.... on the next page forbidden to be turned... Now, it's next door. It's not that "I can't imagine", "It won't happen to me"... it's real. This scary, horrid, painful fear is real.

You can't escape it. You can't deny it. You can't ignore it.
It could happen. It might be me someday. It did happen to someone.
I sit here typing as my gorgeous soldier plays baseball on the wii, and life appears so simple...uncomplicated. safe. But it isn't.
Tomorrow he could deploy. Tomorrow he could be that soldier. that blackhawk crew chief. Tomorrow that could be me answering that knock on the door. It's unlikely sure, but it could happen.
But fear can't win. It can't control us. It can't control me.
because my God is BIGGER. GREATER. MIGHTIER.
He will give me enough grace for each moment. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He still deserves my praise. And He is faithful to help me sing each day.
*****
Don't know where to beginIts like my world's caving inAnd I try but I can't control my fearWhere do I go from here?sometimes its so hard to prayWhen You feel so far awayBut I am willing to goWhere you want me to God, I trust YouThere's a raging sea Right in front of meWants to pull me inBring me to my kneesSo let the waters riseIf You want them toI will follow YouI will follow You, I will follow You
listen here.

Finally Home

When my husband was in Iraq- I hated this song. I couldn't stand to hear the opening notes. to hear the chorus. see the music video. For months and months and months after he returned, it still made my heart quicken and that one-of-a-kind nauseous feeling impaled me in the stomach.

You know those word-association games? I think this song was my "deployment-and-all-that it-entails" association. To this day when I'm driving down the highway and I hear the first few notes my stomach clenches and I remind myself My Soldier is only a phone call away...a ten minute drive from home...

This week I've listened to this song. And for the first time felt it as a comfort, not a reminder of separation. Two phone calls rocked my world this week. Two days, back to back.

On Tuesday I checked my missed messages. One from mom. one from dad. one from my husband. I didn't think much of it. So I called my mom back first. Her voice sounded really strange, but she talked about nonsense for the first ten minutes. And then she said, I need you to sit down and listen to me. I have hard news to tell you....

A close friend of the family received the knock on the door we all pray to never answer.

He was a sargeant in the Army. A black hawk crew chief in Afghanistan. There was a crash.

Our dads both worked together. Every time I went to the office, I saw his latest picture- heard the last of his stories or phone calls.

He was my brother's age. He and my husband have the same job.

Sgt. Brandon Silk is a hero. He will be so greatly missed. His father, mother and two brothers are also heroes.

I don't have any other words, because I can't handle to say them right now...

***

Wednesday morning brought another phone call. My mom again. More hard news. My grandmother had a stroke. She isn't doing well at all. We are all just waiting...

She was diagnosed with dementia about 4 years ago. It's been a horridly long road as she became less and less of the amazing Nana we all knew and loved. About a year and a half ago, I walked into her room at the nursing home and she was singing my song to a baby doll. I started my goodbyes then. It may seem cold to say this, but I didn't cry when I was told. It was expected. The last few days have brought ups and downs, one moment I am calm and collected. Realistic. Other moments, I am a bucket of snotty tears in my husband's lap.

My family has been hit hard this week. But God is faithful. His grace is sufficient. His arms are a place of security and rest.

He has given me a glipse of beauty through the ashes and tears... those I love and treasure are finally going home. They will sit at the feet of Jesus, amazed my his glory and grace. They will hurt no more. Fear no more. They will finally be home in arms of our Mighty God.

MilSpouse Blog Carnival- Day 4!

Day 4: 10 Tough Things About Being a Military Wife

1. Deployment- separation from loved ones is always difficult, but deployment separation takes the cake. It's hard when the rest of the world around you moves on with life, while yours has temporarily frozen in time waiting for combat boots to grace your doormat once again. Not knowing where he is, what he's doing, when he'll call, if he'll call... but in that place where you have no control, God works in indescribable ways to show Himself faithful. When you are able to be fully dependent upon Him, it is an amazing revelation to see He truly is enough.
2. Learning to speak in Code-oh the joys of trying to learn the billion acronyms the military has. The best part? It CONSTANTLY changes and each branch has their own variation! But once you get the basics down, you can finally understand whats going on!
3. Independence-learning to be independent and holding the fort down is a great lesson that I am thankful for, however its difficult to transition from independence to submission when hubby returns. I constantly battle with the desire to take the lead and jump into action, yet I know my role as a godly wife is to be a supportive and submissive wife. Though I haven't overcome this struggle, I am learning (with the Lord's help!) patience and self-control and most importantly trust in my husband.
4. OPSEC-most often I don't have a problem keeping things underwraps. I am conscientious of what I can or cannot reveal, and am entirely in agreement that it is necessary and for the safety of our fighting men and woman, HOWEVER it is frustrating for me to see blatant violations of OPSEC from those who know better. I have learned to confront in love and kindness and withhold my judgements.

5. Opinions and Comments from Others-we've all heard them. From friends, family and strangers..."why would you marry a soldier?", "well you signed up for this", "what did you think deployment would be like?", "are you proud that he is fighting in a losing war?"(GRR!) ...and my personal favorites, "do you miss him?", "is it hard when you don't know what he's doing or where he is?", "what if something happens to him, what will you do?", "don't you think you're a little young to have this life", "did you know the divorce rate in the military is 50%?", "I bet its hard not to cheat", "oh, he flys in blackhawks- have you seen blackhawk down?" (and yes- someone actually asked that, ON deployment!) I think I could go on and on... All I can say is that God has faithfully shown me grace and allowed me to hold back the angry tide and respond in love. I can't lash out at them for being ignorant.

6. Inactive v. Active-since My Soldier is in the guard, I don't have the same experience as an active duty wife would...I don't have to deal with PCSing and leaving family and friends, however I also don't have that same support community. My hubby plays army everyday, leaves in uniform every morning and reports to the guard base here...but he's not active. (its rather confusing actually, a kind of full-time inactive guard job) I have met a few wives from the unit over deployment, but most everyone around here is regular guard and only lives military once a month. It makes it difficult to bond and establish a common ground for relationships. Thankfully, I have a close group of highschool friends whose husbands have all joined the forces. God has blessed me with those treasured relationships and I know they are "lifers".
7. Lack of Sympathy-as terrible as it is to admit this, it's true- I've toughened up with army life and find it difficult to sympathize with civis who miss their husbands on 2 week business trips or even 2 month trips. Callous I know, but honest. I am learning compassion and empathy through His help.
8. Miles apart- even though I don't have to move around the country, my best friend does. It's wonderful to have a Hooah buddy, but I would love it if she was next door instead. That said, distance has proven our friendship to be gold and I am so thankful for her.
9. Isolation-as I mentioned before, being in the guard means folks around here aren't exactly a military town. It gets lonely sometimes feeling like your the only one. I know there are others, but most of the wives of the men that work everyday with My Soldier are older, have children and are comfortable in their established circles. Its difficult to break into a group thats already formed. We have met a couple younger couples our age and get together at times, but their lifestyles and ours don't always go hand in hand. That said, it has been a great opportunity to be a godly example and display a picture of military life they aren't used to seeing.
10. Mr. Army is the Boss-theres not much to explain about this one; Mr. Army calls- My Soldier responds. No matter 12+ hour days, missed dinners, polar opposite schedules, scheduled weekends, continuous training and tedious classes. That's just the life. But Mr. Army is also the reason we have the many things we do. So for that, I've learned to thank him.

Well, I think that covers at least the basics.

Check out what the other MilSpouses have to say here!

MilSpouse Blog Carnival!

Wives of Faith is having a Blog Carnival!Day 1- Tell us your milspouse story...

Every time I tell "our story", I cannot help but smile. God is so into details.The first time I met my husband we were twelve years old and in the sixth grade.
He was loud. I was shy. I was not very interested in being his friend. I still thought boys had cooties. In junior high, his best friend had a crush on me.So, inevitably, the three of us became best friends.
In high school we remained the three musketeers.Until the friend decided to ask me out. I declined holding to my "no dating" policy...But secretly I was kinda crushin back.
My sophomore year, I transferred to a private highschoolI knew it was the Lord's calling, but I was devestated the three musketeers broke up.I kept in touch, but only minimally- going to their soccer games and such,but it was the friend who always made sure that I came- My Soldier was otherwise preoccupied by highschool love.Graduation came and went, the three of us saying our congrats and farewells.
Summer days were filled with college preparations and hanging at the beachUntil one day, I happen to bump into *My Soldier*He was working, I was rushing but we exchanged the polite- "what school are you going to, what are studying"...


He had joined the Army National Guard. He left for basic training in two weeks.I was glad to see him, would be praying for him, wishing him good luck.He would see me around.Two weeks later my phone rang. Would I meet him to say goodbye? Of course.I'd only be able to stay for an hour. I had other plans.Two days later, starbucks in hand, we talked for three and a half hoursSo how did he get my number? Well so and so said you wanted me to call.She said you mentioned I was leaving for basic and wanted to say goodbye.Actually I didn't say anything to her. She gave you my number? No, its ok. I am glad she did.Next time a date? I'm not interested in dating. I am just getting over a relationship.But I would love to have coffee again when you get back....I'll write you. Ok.
Months later, counting the letters sent every week-He came home. In ACU's.We had that coffee "not-date".Movie? Ok. But its not a date.By the end of the summer the line between not-dating and dating were a little blurred.We often joke- he chased me for months and I decided one day I loved him and then agreed to date him.

We're often asked how long we have been togethera question that really has no answerunofficially or officially?Dating or together?My Soldier was home for eight months for he deployed.We had officially been dating for two months.Unofficially about six.
That day I put him on that plane. Watched his uniform fade down the corridor....
I knew.
All the years of praying for a man whose name I didn't know...Yet God knew I met my soulmate on the playground when I was twelve.Letters, skype, flat-rates, and phone callsI gave my heart to a soldier 5000 miles away.Five and a half months into deployment, home for R&RHe asked me three little words-Volonta lo sposate (...will you marry me...He asked me in Italian!)I told him before he left for deployment that since he is part Italian, he should learn to speak it for me...so he did! Seven months later, at O'dark thirty, I welcomed home my Hero.Wedding plans galore! July 11, 2009We promised to be one- a chord three-fold- in a little white chapel Where my parents said their I Do's.
We are nearing our first anniversary and loving our lives together.Loving a soldier and living an Army life can be difficult at times,But every day I thank the LordFor choosing our souls to intertwine.Who would have thought?I met My Soldier, My Husband, My herothat day on the school playground in the sixth grade.See, isn't God into details?

The Military Wife

Lots of moving...Moving...Moving...Moving far from home...Moving two cars, three kids and one dog...all riding with HER of course.Moving sofas to basements because they won't go in THIS house;Moving curtains that won't fit;Moving jobs and certifications and professional development hours.Moving away from friends;Moving toward new friends;Moving her most important luggage: her trunk full of memories.Often waiting...Waiting...Waiting...Waiting for housing.Waiting for orders.Waiting for deployments.Waiting for phone calls.Waiting for reunions.Waiting for the new curtains to arrive.Waiting for him to come home,For dinner...AGAIN!They call her 'Military Dependent', but she knows better:She is fiercely In-Dependent.She can balance a check book;Handle the yard work;Fix a noisy toilet;Bury the family pet...She is intimately familiar with drywall anchors and toggle bolts.She can file the taxes;Sell a house;Buy a car;Or set up a move........all with ONE Power of Attorney.She welcomes neighbors that don't welcome her.She reinvents her career with every PCS;Locates a house in the desert, The Arctic, Or the deep south.And learns to call them all 'home'.She MAKES them all home.Military Wives are somewhat hasty...They leap into:Decorating,Leadership,Volunteering,Career alternatives,Churches,And friendships.They don't have 15 years to get to know people.Their roots are short but flexible.They plant annuals for themselves and perennials for those who come after them.Military Wives quickly learn to value each other:They connect over coffee,Rely on the spouse network,Accept offers of friendship and favors.Record addresses in pencil...Military Wives have a common bond:The Military Wife has a husband unlike other husbands; his commitment is unique.He doesn't have a 'JOB' He has a 'MISSION' that he can't just decide to quit...He's on-call for his country 24/7.But for her, he's the most unreliable guy in town!His language is foreignTDYPCSEPRSOSACCBDUACUBARCIBTADABUAnd so, a Military Wife is a translator for her family and his.She is the long- distance link to keep them informed;The glue that holds them together.A Military Wife has her moments:She wants to wring his neck;Dye his uniform pink;Refuse to move to Siberia;But she pulls herself together.Give her a few days,A travel brochure,A long hot bath,A pledge to the flag,A wedding picture,And she goes.She packs.She moves.She follows.Why?What for?How come?You may think it is because she has lost her mind.But actually it is because she has lost her heart.It was stolen from her by a man,Who puts duty first,Who longs to deploy,Who salutes the flag,And whose boots in the doorway remind her that as long as he is herMilitary Husband,She will remain his Military Wife.And would have it no other way.--Author Unknown

To Honor a Hero

Because you can't imagine what it would feel like.

But the thought hits you like a punch in the stomach and there's no air even though you know you're breathing.

Because you feel guilty for even thinking it, but you're glad its not you.

Because you know it will happen to someone else and theres nothing you can do.

You place yourself in her shoes for a moment and feel like there's no escape.

You realize you are the lucky one...

Because it could have been you. could be you.

These are the reasons I can't find the words, I can't speak. I can't begin to say how much my heart is aching for a stranger I've never met, but know she one of us...

I am so sorry my dear friend.

I can't imagine facing that day. Answering that door.

Thank you for your sacrifice. For loving a soldier.

Thank you for serving by his side, as he gave the ultimate sacrifice.

To say that my prayers are with you seems insufficient...

Thank you, Cpl Jonathan Daniel Porto.

You are a hero.

You know you're in love with a Soldier when...

You're driving down the road, belting out a song with the radio and suddenly tears are streaming down your face... because you see this familiar glorious sight. and even though your Soldier will be home by dinner time, you still feel the rush of emotions that come with the memory of hanging your own yellow ribbons.

Remember that glorious wonderful day? You can read about it here.

To whoever is finally able to hold your soldier tonight, call them for the first time in months, and follow them around aimlessly, in perfect bliss- congratulations on your hero's homecoming!Congratulations on your completion of deployment. Because lets face it, if home is where the heart is, and your heart is overseas, you were every bit deployed as the uniform. Sleep tonight, it's finally come to an end.

Hooah.

My Soul Tattoo: Hooah, Hooah, Hooah!!

(For one of my classes, I was given a composition assignment to explain "my own individual culture and worldview, which developed as a result of a personal experience"... this is what came out of it. Though we weren't married at the time of deployment, for correct verb "tense", I wrote it from my perspective now, as an Army wife.)

Hooah, Hooah, Hooah.

“Fall Out!”, were the blessed words quickly echoed by a hundred pairs of shifting feet as ***** Company ***** Aviation Regiment- of the Army National Guard, were dismissed from company formation. After a yearlong deployment to Iraq, the “Heroes Welcome Home Ceremony” commenced during the early morning hour of 0300 on New Year’s Day. A multitude of loved ones: husbands, wives, parents, children, friends and family, scanned the crowd for their soldiers, anxious for their long-awaited embrace. Reporters, photographers and troop greeters, along with local and state officials, were also present within the Army Aviation Support Facility at ******* International Airport- to offer their support and gratitude to the troops. For the first time in twelve long months, the heroes of *** were home at last.

I remember the initial feeling that swept over me as I fell into his uniformed chest and breathed in a sigh of relief. It was finally over. No longer would there 5,050 miles, an ocean, a continent, and a time zone to separate us. No more unpredictable five-minute phone calls, or unreliable video chats spaced too far between. All the sleepless nights, lonely days and sick worried feelings would be no more. He was home- to call whenever I needed, to ask him how his day went, to sit and stare at.

As an army wife who has endured the deployment of her husband, I have been left with a life impression many will never experience. That impression has, in many ways, altered and modified my thought process and evaluations of the world. The ways in which I communicate with others and react to my surroundings seem at many times to be sifted through a filter of “military life.” In response, my culture and worldviews have been greatly affected.

When my husband first deployed I had no expectations of what the year would hold. New to me were the ways of the military- the regulations, the military “speak,” the hardships, the honor and pride of supporting a soldier, and the sacrifices that came with them. I was not prepared for the bizarre effects that would become unleashed at any given moment or provoked by the slightest things such as a song on the radio, a soldier in uniform, or an army bumper sticker. It is a strange thought to realize that the ways in which you use to process and filter the world and your environment have been tinted. For me, it was the insignificant things. A computer was no longer just a research engine, but a lifeline to the other side of the world. My phone was a new appendage; I carried it to every room constantly staring at it, as if I could entice the ringer to sound. Simple everyday materials morphed from convenience to necessity. Not all technology was appreciated however; evening news became an instant stomachache. Half-reported stories of the frontlines, from a biased political perspective, hardly comfort a family awaiting the return of their soldier. Despite the struggle of being separated from a loved one in such frightening circumstances as war, I have come to acknowledge the great lessons and privileges arising from military life.

Perhaps one of the greatest blessings of military life has been the friendships in which I have come to treasure. A dear friend of mine, whose husband was also deployed last year, has become a confidant, shrink, congratulator, comforter and supporter. Though she lives across country where her husband is now stationed, we have a bond that only deployment could have created. Understanding the difficulties, the nightmares, frustrations and celebrations of a text message from Iraq at 2:00 a.m., she and I developed our own sort of “army wives club.” These are the friendships that carry you through and give you hope when the rest of the world around you moves on with life, while yours has temporarily frozen in time waiting for combat boots to grace your doormat once again.

Though my husband’s deployment starkly changed my entire world, there is one constant that remained the same: yesterday, today, and tomorrow. That is the hope and comfort I have through my faith in Christ. From birth, I was raised in a Christian home centered upon Biblical principles. These truths have shaped the ways in which I endure trials, overcome challenge and maintain confidence in His control. If it were not for my faith and security in knowing my husband is protected and watched over, my experience of deployment would have been drastically different. There would have been no comfort in the unknown, no peace when seeing the headlines of casualty numbers. I can look back over the last year, see a purpose and design because I look with eyes of faith and belief in a Sovereign God.

It has been almost fourteen months since I greeted my husband at the “Heroes Welcome Home Ceremony” that frigid New Year’s morning and life has, for the most part, returned to normal. The nightmares ceased after the first few months; I am able to leave my phone while walking into another room, and video chats have been banned for the immediate future. Combat boots and ACU’s (Army Combat Uniforms) line our closet, two plates are set at the dinner table and I no longer go to sleep without goodnight wishes. My army wife view, however, I still wear like a soul tattoo, stamped across my life. I still see uniformed soldiers in an airport and tear up, hear those same songs on the radio and I am, in an instant, an ocean apart from my soldier once again.

My husband is slightly amused by this, often joking that he was deployed, and I emerged with posttraumatic stress disorder. In some ways, I think he has a valid point. Deployment changed me. It changed the way I walk through each day, convicting me to appreciate all I have and remember those who still endure the challenges of deployment. Some of those changes are for the better. I make an effort to tell those uniforms in the airport how proud and grateful I am of their selflessness and dedication. I find myself more empathetic and compassionate. Dirty uniforms overflowing the hamper bring a smile rather than more work. Changes, though minute, speak in volumes.

Life- it is challenging, sometimes difficult to bear, but within it holds beautiful blessings. The filter I now see the world through has brought me to a place of humility, gratitude, pride and honor. My values were deepened, my perseverance stretched, my friendships strengthened and, my love defined. As I read through the pages of our life during deployment, I mentally underline the phases that reshaped, modeled and transformed my own individual culture as an army wife. Among the script, I find what was once spoken as an encouragement between two army wives and dear friends, is now a confident utterance of accomplishment and survival. HOOAH. HOOAH. HOOAH.

Mr. Husband, Sargeant, Sir!

This morning at 0700 my hubby officially became a Sargeant in the United States Army. Though he insisted it was no big deal, it was the first promotion ceremony I have been able to see- the others 0ccurred while he was in Iraq. To my amazement his superiors allowed him to delay his promotion a few days so that I would be able to pin him! (I arrived home from Denver late last night- well morning really. Home at 12:30 am, up and at the Armory at 7 am!) I was a little nervous where all the other promotions had taken place while I was away, and his entire unit would be staring at me- the lonely civilian in a room of soldiers. And much to my humiliation- I choked. I know what you are thinking- how hard is it to place a velcro patch on ACU's? Well its not, unless they hand you the rank upside down and you are too nervous to check before you pin him. Yup, I pinned his rank upside down- in front of his entire unit- his First Sargeant and Commander...great first impression of the newest army wife right? The horrible part is after he read his creed to the unit, they stripped it and re-pinned him. UGH. And I KNOW the ranks and what they look like, but I figured they would pass it to me the right way....wrong. Next time I just may watch from the side-lines... my poor husband. The guys gave him a hard time all morning, apparently I should be given a "handbook" to learn my ranks.... oh well. He was a sweetheart and told me stories about a Sargeant Major who pinned his on wrong and came to formation...but still- did it really have to go that way? Really? It didn't phase him though, he's informed me that I can now just call him Sargeant. So of course, I have teased him all day calling him my Mr. Husband, Sargeant, Sir! I guess I will just have to find a way to congratulate him that will make up for my blond moment... ; )

Fast Forward

There is so much to say, to explain and update from the last few months.... but there is no time today....

We finally moved into a wonderful apartment that I adore. No mold- PRAISE GOD.

Hubby left for WLC (Army NCO training) directly before Christmas and during my two weeks of intense finals... not happy with the Army about that. I survived and finished my 7th semester in prelaw, one left!

Our first Christmas was wonderful, not at all like I had planned (thanks to the military) but still every bit as wonderful. I am so glad he is home with me this year.

Most pressing on my heart is where I sit at this very moment...in the CICU room in Denver Children's Hospital with my best friend and their adorable little girl. There is not enough time to start at the beginning and fill you in.... Aliyah Marie was born a month early on November 12th and diagnosed with a severe heart condition. They are awaiting God's miracle of a transplant. He is so faithful. This angel is the most precious little girl. She has entirely captured our hearts. Her story can be found here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/aliyahpomelow
and here: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/group.php?gid=181984597074&ref=ts

My soldier is getting promoted to Sargent on Sunday, I finally get to see one and pin him!

...all I have time for now, I will try to be better about blogging...these past few months have been, well- eventful.

Gone... AGAIN.

Dear mr. army man (sir),

I have come to understand and even appreciate the dedication and service required to serve in the United States Army. Me, being an army fiancée, well I’d like to think that I serve too. Actually, we military spouses (fiancées, significant others…) should really be given an MOS for all the tasks and assignments we carry out and are required to qualify for. Needless to say, I understand the commitment and the sacrifices you ask of your men….. I do however feel the need to tell you sir, that I have spent the last 12 of 14 months without my soldier so that you could use him at your disposal. I have waited hours and hours a day for phone calls lasting only five minutes, spent night after night alone, written hundreds of letters and sent endless amounts of flat rate boxes filled with fun things to keep my soldier smiling… all this to say, I have spent the last 12 of 14 months sharing my soldier, not even sharing really, but waiting my turn. You finally let him come home to me two months ago and I have to admit I am quite possessive of him and his time, but still he faithfully goes to work for you. I am proud to be an army fiancée and feel more pride for him that I can ever express. I thank you for bringing him home to me safely, but sir, why did you feel the need to take him away AGAIN? I know it is a short trip and he is only across the country instead of across an ocean and several countries. But, I’ve waited for three hundred and (almost) sixty-five days, so if would so kindly let me have my turn, because I am NOT ready to share.

identity.

now that my soldier is home and deployment is officially over,

it doesn't make much sense to continue writing "deployment thoughts"...

so, my creative task for the day is to decide on a new blog name. Any suggestions?