If I'm asked ONE.MORE.TIME....

I don't often get intensely personal in my posts,mostly because, its scary.In fact, I haven't since this post It's nerve-wracking to air all your secrets on public clothes-line strung up across the world for everyone to see. But a dear friend once told me that if you can name your fears, well then they aren't so big anymore. so I'm going "to punch it square in the face" and maybe it will loosen its annoying grip.  No one, and I mean no one knows this. except for my best friend. (but everyone knows that not telling secrets excludes your best friend unless specified right?) My Soldier and I have been married almost 3 years. We're mid twenties and have years ahead of us. and yet its EVERYONE's favorite question. It doesn't matter if we are in the commissary talking to the cashier, at church chatting with friends, or bumping into old aquaintances while running errands. But my favorite is when its your family. or his. That ask every.single.time.you.see.them.  And I calmly smile and pull out a diffusing answer. to get them to shut up.when I really just want to flip.my.top.like a tea kettle that has sat on a hot stovetop for a few minutes, steaming and whistling and threatening to blow.  It's gonna happen. If I'm asked.ONE.MORE.TIME. "So when are you two going to start having children?""Don't you want to hold a cuddly little baby and know you created them?""You don't have any children YET?""Oh- are you waiting for some reason?""You probably just want to keep your hubby to yourself right? Just don't wait too long!"" I understand, you want to wait until he's sure to be home and not deployed right? Well, you know honey- there is never any assurance if he's in for the long haul." And my favorites after I've calmly pulled out some statement like, "we've got our hands full with a puppy right now!" and "we've only been married for 3 years, and we're barely mid twenties. there's no rush!" or my fall back if nothing appeases them, "well, I'd like to wait until I'm sure I won't be single parenting for the first year of their life" : "Oh, well I guess it is the Lord's timing. Don't worry, you'll have plenty of time to have a baby""Oh no! Don't wait, its so much easier to have someone else to care for through deployment. Then you won't be sitting around the house lonely and miserable""Well, if all else fails- there is always adoption and you are the perfect couple to love another child as your own!" So I bite my tongue and smack a fake smile on my face.When want I really want to do is scream at them and blurt the truth. We have tried. and tried. and tried.And its not happening. and they say nothing is wrong. And He doesn't want to try any more right now. so seeing a doctor again is pointless.And every single time you ask that question you are ripping my heart open and stabbing me in the gut.And yes, I'm happy for all of my friends who got married after me that are happily starting a family, thanks for pointing that out by the way. And can you please. just. stop. talking about it.And of course I want to carry life and see my husband in our children. Of course I think about getting older and him leaving me all alone when he deploys again.And I'm very well aware that you want to be a gramma. Don't you think I want to be a mother?Can't you see that I'm at the brink of tears or fuming every time you bring it up?And why is it, that every single person wants to announce how many of their friends are having babies right now? or have just found out that they are pregnant. I am done. I can't take it any more. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want everyone to know and talk about it themselves.But the asking has got to stop.The pressure has got to stop.Because if I'm asked ONE. MORE. TIME. I might just die.  {so much for punching fear in the face huh?}{maybe next time...} 

Excel Sheets in Real Life

I wish that every sequence of military life came with a warning label.This way when you start your first Christmas shopping excursions, it won't smack you upside the head in the middle of the store that Christmas is only 9 weeks away.... and then "next" year isn't really that far anymore ... Or when you're sitting in church for Wednesday night service you won't count the chapters of our Revelation study and realize you might have to mail the recordings for him to finish it too. And wouldn't it be amazing to have a warning label that all things change no matter how "official" they may be. or wait- is it that or official word is "official"? we play that side too... I don't quite know what to do with myself lately. Plan and make to-do lists or take it a day at a time and wait. Fast forward or pause. Because both work. and I hate that. I am your classic miss type A. I have a love affair with excel spreadsheets, checking the boxes (with a pink pen, of course), schedules and lists of requirements are my happy place and I am in my fluffy comfort-zone when I know exactly.what.to.do.   WARNING LABEL!  So this is where I need some feedback from my dear military wives.What are your methods for dealing with the upcoming "unknowns"? I'm accustomed to the count downs, the monthly markers and the events to check off along the way. But what about the moments in between? When you only have a glimpse of what's around the corner and you aren't liking the view? How do you make the list of "last ..." and "before ..." moments fun and enjoyable when its a constant ticker reminding you of what is to come? I pretty much feel like I'm loosing my mind these days and keeping it "under wraps" and explaining my drama isn't so easy. (you know this- we all like to pretend we're Army Strong and won't crack unless its behind closed doors)  I just need to know. A or B. East or West. One way or another. ...because I'm a type A and I need to type A!  

Makin' Progress

I have been working on adding a business page and making some updates around here... It's coming slow but steady. Check out my new page here. And yes- stay tuned for the rest of the changes. Come on, you didn't really think this was a legitimate post did you?  



Somewhere between shock, panic and ticked...

I didn't sleep much last night, so forgive the jumbled speak.

We got some news yesterday, I knew it was coming.
But I was braced for X information and instead I was blindsided by ABC details instead.

There I was standing in the Christmas Tree Shoppe with my mama when I got the call from My Soldier. He had been in briefings all day...
And then the roof collapsed on my head.
And I feel like someone punched me in the solarplexus somewhere around 2pm and I have yet to catch my breath.  I'm just not ready to say goodbye again. I wasn't prepared for my turn so soon...I can't share the details of course, OPSEC. 

Could I ask my blogging family for prayers? I need some today.

 
  "When our hearts do not feel that God is still in control, we must consciously dwell on the truth of the Scriptures with our minds. Our thoughts can either drain our energy and cripple us, or be a source of strength when we meditate on God's Word."


 

Wordless Wednesday

 

 Courtesy of the lovely Dana B.http://newlywedsdiaries.blogspot.com/   

That feeling when you sign your 30 page mortgage agreement...

Yesterday I officially joined the mid-20"s club.
And of course, My Soldier was MIA.
Drill weekends and TDY usually fall around holidays and birthdays.
Of the 4 years we've been together, we've shared just 1 birthday celebration each.
That's just how it works right?

I did get a present from the Army though.
A text message from my hubby saying he has 1 day to decide to re-up.
24 hours to plan the next __# years...

His service date is in June, so we thought we had several more months.
On one hand, I can not imagine a life without the military.
On the other... "normal" life, with a hubby at home. always. hmm....

But the gut-kicker was this: re-up and get a nice little bonus.
OR get out next June and he won't go on the upcoming deployment...I think the thought of getting out gave me the butterflies more than re-enlisting,
but all I got from the conversation was:

He could stay home next year. We finally got to talk about it late last night and have decided to re-up.
The Lord has yet to call us somewhere else. And we both have peace about the decision.

But you know that feeling when you sign your 30 page mortgage agreement...it still kinda feels like that.

Because no matter how you spin it- we signed over the next ___# years of our lives.

   

The Truth.

I've been thinking about what to write for months weeks... For one who is never at a loss for words- I was surprised at how difficult it was to find the words to fill an empty page after being gone so long.

It seems I go back and forth between raw, honest postings of the ups and downs in life and the run of the mill- this is what I've been up to nonsense.  The latter is usually easier to share.

But that is not what I am going to write today.
I'll be honest.

I think I've been avoiding you (the blogging world), because I don't want to be submersed in the reality that many of you are still enduring deployments, lonely nights, broken down cars, single parenting and the rest of our endless bulleted list when your soldier is away. I've tried to stay clear of reading stories that make me tear up and cling with a death grip to my soldier who I'm so blessed to have sleep beside me every night.Kinda pathetic and selfish huh?

Something in me seemed to crack a few months back, when my best friend sent her beloved Marine off to war like the rest of us. It's her first deployment.
Without making this sound like "it's all about me"... it has been like reliving my own.  And that means I am constantly aware of the monsterous typhoon cloud looming overhead.
Deployment #2 is closing in. I know this is life. This is my duty. I love being a soldier's wife.
But is it really possible to live through it again? I feel like I used to be the most independant person I knew. I hated every single moment of deployment. But I lived. I breathed. I even admit- I had some fun adventures!
I look back and remember, and I realize that I was given grace to endure it.
That I was never alone.  But I don't feel like that person anymore.
I don't feel strong and independant. or carefree or go with the flow.I feel clingy and weak and co-dependant. And must have a plan D incase A,B and C don't pan out.I feel smaller and a little less confidant that I can do it again. I don't feel like I am qualified to fill this role anymore.
Somehow I am still reeling from the roller coaster ride 2 years ago.2 years. and I still have the nightmares.
Drill weekends still bring occasional tears. a drill WEEKEND. Didn't I used to laugh at 3 months? Like it was a breeze to endure after 13? Where did she go?The one held it together, smiled bravely and said everything was fine-just so he'd make it through his day with ease? I think she's still in there somewhere... but how do I find her?