The "D" Word.

My head has been spinning lately.

I keep catching myself playing the "what if" and "when" game...

deployment is slapping me in the face from every angle.

and my soldier isn't even deploying.
not for another year.

but my best friend's are facing it in their near future. they are making plans and adjustments. preparing themselves for single mommy-hood. steeling themselves for the rough journey.

and everything is flooding back.

the long nights filled with insomnia. the lonely days waiting for that blessed 5 minutes phone call.

I can't decide whats better, the blissful ignorance of first deployment or the painful truth of knowing what lies ahead. I've tried to be still and listen to what I know the Father must be trying to reveal through this.I know it isn't my burden to carry.

I believe and have faith that He gives grace sufficiently.

I KNOW He gives strength for each day.

And I still find myself trying to stand beneath the weight.

I want to spare them from the pain.

the fear. the constant worry. the loneliness.

I know how to be a hooah buddy and walk through the "tour of duty" when I'm going through the same thing. I've been there through the tears and long awaited letters, the 3 am phone calls because you can't sleep. planning skype dates and sending flat rates.

I understood because I was living in the same shoes.

But what will I say when I have my soldier in my arms?

How do I comfort in the middle of the night when my bed isn't lonely and cold,
when ACU's still line my closet and dirty PT's fill my hamper?

I'm scared my "hooah hooah hooah" won't be the same.

That kills me.

As thankful as I am that My Soldier won't be leaving anytime soon, I think I almost feel guilty for it. Like somehow I should walk through the same journey while they do. If only they would all deploy at the same time. later, not sooner.

If only Soldiers could arrive at home at 5 o'clock for dinner everynight
and tuck their daughters into bed for a goodnight kiss.
and no birthdays, holidays and anniversaries were missed.
and puppies were family pets and not guard dogs when you're scared to live alone.

If only the "sandbox" was a place where sand castles were built and seashells were lined in rows.
If only life were... simple? easy? fair?

Deployment. I just don't know what to do with you...

How do you face deployment fears?
Have you ever felt the weight of someone else's trial?

Techinically a post. Not so much.

I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have writer’s block. That is, I haven’t had the opportunity to remember. Somewhere between the 45 minute drive one way to work, 8 hours later repeating the same endless road, the arriving home 2 hours after my soldier, scarfing down dinner (that my amazing husband makes every single night now…) playing with my puppy and kissing my soldier goodnight, I fall into bed with not one ounce of energy left…. And not one thought to share with you even if I had a spare moment…
I miss having writers block. I miss writing and rewriting, or staring at the page until I finally think of something that might be of interest to any of you who might still check in now and again to see if I’ve actually returned to the blogging world.
I miss reading and following all of you! Please!!, will someone tell me how to balance this complicated thing called life? How do you fit it all in? When do you find the time for hobbies or even exercise (don’t even get me started on how long its been since I’ve said hello to my elliptical…or hit play to do my cardio videos...yikes!) when you are only home long enough to sleep and restart the day yet again?

Even as I am sitting here, I'm madly typing as if I have a time clock... grrr! My Soldier is MIA tonight. He's working a FTP with NVG's.
So I have the house to myself.And the puppy...errr...growing monster. Everytime I turn around she's grown an inch, has new teeth and ways 4 more pounds.(She's helping me type by the way- making this muchhhh less complicated than normal...)

*****
I did actually do something fun this past weekend. I had an Arbonne Makeup Party! If you haven't heard of Arbonne before... it is all-natural, organic, botanically-based, ph correct and has absolutely no chemicals. Why is it different than other products? Other products contain things like mineral oil (refined crude oil), petrolatum, petroleum, artificial dyes and colors, and artificial fragrances. (All of these things which have been proven to cause cancer, toxicity, reproductive problems, skin and eye irritants etc...
If you have never heard about chemicals and animal byproducts in personal care products and cosmetics, check this out (click on the look inside tab). You NEED to know this info! Theres tons of info out there, most people just never knew to research it. I never did!Arbonne has beautiful cosmetics, amazing skin care products, dietary supplements and baby products... you can find their website here. And if you are interested, email me! I would love to share my favorite things about this great company or place an order for you to try it! I wish my post were more interesting, eloquent, or even EXISTANT...but this is all I've got for now...puppy is turning into a demanding monster with daddy gone for the night. She's now not only helping me type but in my lap trying to take over all together!

My Baby

My baby isn't a baby any more! She is getting SO big. (no really...it scares me a little to think of how big she will be full grown. ahh!) Three weeks ago she weighed 15 lbs. at three months. I swear she has gained 15+ since then.

I'm beginning to worry when every person who sees her exclaims "look at those paws! how old? really. wow. that puppy is going to be upwards of 115 lbs." Yikes!! Its a darn good thing she is so smart and is learning quickly. She'd better be all trained by the time "daddy" goes back to the desert or this mama is going to be the one who's being taken for a walk!

This was Delta the day we brought her home. On November 12.

This is Delta last week. Thats only two months people!!!