Monday, October 31, 2011

If I'm asked ONE.MORE.TIME....

I don't often get intensely personal in my posts,
mostly because, its scary.
In fact, I haven't since this post
It's nerve-wracking to air all your secrets on public clothes-line strung up across the world for everyone to see.
But a dear friend once told me that if you can name your fears, well then they aren't so big anymore. so I'm going "to punch it square in the face" and maybe it will loosen its annoying grip.
 No one, and I mean no one knows this. except for my best friend. (but everyone knows that not telling secrets excludes your best friend unless specified right?)
My Soldier and I have been married almost 3 years.
We're mid twenties and have years ahead of us.
and yet its EVERYONE's favorite question.
It doesn't matter if we are in the commissary talking to the cashier, at church chatting with friends, or bumping into old aquaintances while running errands.
But my favorite is when its your family. or his.
That ask
And I calmly smile and pull out a diffusing answer.
to get them to shut up.
when I really just want to
like a tea kettle that has sat on a hot stovetop for a few minutes, steaming and whistling and threatening to blow.
It's gonna happen. If I'm asked.ONE.MORE.TIME.
"So when are you two going to start having children?"
"Don't you want to hold a cuddly little baby and know you created them?"
"You don't have any children YET?"
"Oh- are you waiting for some reason?"
"You probably just want to keep your hubby to yourself right? Just don't wait too long!"
" I understand, you want to wait until he's sure to be home and not deployed right? Well, you know honey- there is never any assurance if he's in for the long haul."
And my favorites after I've calmly pulled out some statement like,
 "we've got our hands full with a puppy right now!" and "we've only been married for 3 years, and we're barely mid twenties. there's no rush!" or my fall back if nothing appeases them, "well, I'd like to wait until I'm sure I won't be single parenting for the first year of their life" :
"Oh, well I guess it is the Lord's timing. Don't worry, you'll have plenty of time to have a baby"
"Oh no! Don't wait, its so much easier to have someone else to care for through deployment. Then you won't be sitting around the house lonely and miserable"
"Well, if all else fails- there is always adoption and you are the perfect couple to love another child as your own!"
So I bite my tongue and smack a fake smile on my face.
When want I really want to do is scream at them and blurt the truth.
We have tried. and tried. and tried.
And its not happening. and they say nothing is wrong.
And He doesn't want to try any more right now. so seeing a doctor again is pointless.
And every single time you ask that question you are ripping my heart open and stabbing me in the gut.
And yes, I'm happy for all of my friends who got married after me that are happily starting a family, thanks for pointing that out by the way.
And can you please. just. stop. talking about it.
And of course I want to carry life and see my husband in our children.
Of course I think about getting older and him leaving me all alone when he deploys again.
And I'm very well aware that you want to be a gramma. Don't you think I want to be a mother?
Can't you see that I'm at the brink of tears or fuming every time you bring it up?
And why is it, that every single person wants to announce how many of their friends are having babies right now? or have just found out that they are pregnant.
I am done. I can't take it any more.
I don't want to talk about it. I don't want everyone to know and talk about it themselves.
But the asking has got to stop.
The pressure has got to stop.
Because if I'm asked ONE. MORE. TIME.
I might just die.
{so much for punching fear in the face huh?}
{maybe next time...}

Friday, October 28, 2011

Excel Sheets in Real Life

I wish that every sequence of military life came with a warning label.
This way when you start your first Christmas shopping excursions, it won't smack you upside the head in the middle of the store that Christmas is only 9 weeks away.
... and then "next" year isn't really that far anymore ...
Or when you're sitting in church for Wednesday night service you won't count the chapters of our Revelation study and realize you might have to mail the recordings for him to finish it too.
And wouldn't it be amazing to have a warning label that all things change no matter how "official" they may be. or wait- is it that or official word is "official"? we play that side too...
I don't quite know what to do with myself lately. Plan and make to-do lists or take it a day at a time and wait. Fast forward or pause. Because both work. and I hate that.
I am your classic miss type A. I have a love affair with excel spreadsheets, checking the boxes (with a pink pen, of course), schedules and lists of requirements are my happy place and I am in my fluffy comfort-zone when I know 
So this is where I need some feedback from my dear military wives.
What are your methods for dealing with the upcoming "unknowns"? I'm accustomed to the count downs, the monthly markers and the events to check off along the way.
But what about the moments in between? 
When you only have a glimpse of what's around the corner and you aren't liking the view?
How do you make the list of "last ..." and "before ..." moments fun and enjoyable when its a constant ticker reminding you of what is to come?
I pretty much feel like I'm loosing my mind these days and keeping it "under wraps" and explaining my drama isn't so easy. (you know this- we all like to pretend we're Army Strong and won't crack unless its behind closed doors)
 I just need to know. A or B. East or West. One way or another.
...because I'm a type A and I need to type A!
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