Saturday, January 29, 2011

The "D" Word.

My head has been spinning lately.
I keep catching myself playing the "what if" and "when" game...
deployment is slapping me in the face from every angle.

and my soldier isn't even deploying.

not for another year.

but my best friend's are facing it in their near future. they are making plans and adjustments. preparing themselves for single mommy-hood. steeling themselves for the rough journey.

and everything is flooding back.

the long nights filled with insomnia. the lonely days waiting for that blessed 5 minutes phone call.
I can't decide whats better, the blissful ignorance of first deployment or the painful truth of knowing what lies ahead. I've tried to be still and listen to what I know the Father must be trying to reveal through this.I know it isn't my burden to carry.
I believe and have faith that He gives grace sufficiently.
I KNOW He gives strength for each day.

And I still find myself trying to stand beneath the weight.
I want to spare them from the pain.
the fear. the constant worry. the loneliness.

I know how to be a hooah buddy and walk through the "tour of duty" when I'm going through the same thing. I've been there through the tears and long awaited letters, the 3 am phone calls because you can't sleep. planning skype dates and sending flat rates.

I understood because I was living in the same shoes.

But what will I say when I have my soldier in my arms?

How do I comfort in the middle of the night when my bed isn't lonely and cold,
when ACU's still line my closet and dirty PT's fill my hamper?

I'm scared my "hooah hooah hooah" won't be the same.

That kills me.

As thankful as I am that My Soldier won't be leaving anytime soon, I think I almost feel guilty for it. Like somehow I should walk through the same journey while they do. If only they would all deploy at the same time. later, not sooner.

If only Soldiers could arrive at home at 5 o'clock for dinner everynight
and tuck their daughters into bed for a goodnight kiss.
and no birthdays, holidays and anniversaries were missed.
and puppies were family pets and not guard dogs when you're scared to live alone.

If only the "sandbox" was a place where sand castles were built and seashells were lined in rows.
If only life were... simple? easy? fair?

Deployment. I just don't know what to do with you...

How do you face deployment fears?
Have you ever felt the weight of someone else's trial?


It's Something Beautiful said...

I try not to think about it, but seeing how fast this month has flown by makes me absolutely terrified. Deployments come and simply suck!

Planning our wedding day and blogging is my plan to stay busy. I also plan on taking a lot of pictures and traveling.

*Jessica* said...

Personally, I'm on my first deployment,so it's still this unknown beast that I battle with each day. But, I don't think you should feel guilty for having your husband when your friends don't. They know that you've been through it too, and as long as you're still there to talk, that's about the best you can do. I don't know. I'm a newbie in this world. :)

The Burke's (One of Many!:)) said...

OH Kay.....I have been finding myself in this spot as well lately...especially with the baby coming....ive struggled with the thought of what will I do if he has to go again and Im here with a newborn...what will our little boy do without his daddy home to protect us..I am thankful for the peace of heart that i know jon is home now...but i also understand the feeling guilty to a point that i have my soldier home and others are leaving...its hard to feel the same hurt though we have all felt it..when we aren't going through it at the same time....praying for you to have peace and for everyone with their sweet husbands deploying. love you

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