Saturday, August 6, 2011

The Truth.

I've been thinking about what to write for months weeks...
For one who is never at a loss for words- I was surprised at how difficult it was to find
the words to fill an empty page after being gone so long.

It seems I go back and forth between raw, honest postings of the ups and downs in life and the run of the mill- this is what I've been up to nonsense.  The latter is usually easier to share.

But that is not what I am going to write today.
I'll be honest.

I think I've been avoiding you (the blogging world), because I don't want to be submersed in the reality that many of you are still enduring deployments, lonely nights, broken down cars, single parenting and the rest of our endless bulleted list when your soldier is away.
I've tried to stay clear of reading stories that make me tear up and cling with a death grip to my soldier who I'm so blessed to have sleep beside me every night.
Kinda pathetic and selfish huh?

Something in me seemed to crack a few months back, when my best friend sent her beloved Marine off to war like the rest of us. It's her first deployment.
Without making this sound like "it's all about me"... it has been like reliving my own.
And that means I am constantly aware of the monsterous typhoon cloud looming overhead.
Deployment #2 is closing in.
I know this is life. This is my duty. I love being a soldier's wife.
But is it really possible to live through it again?
I feel like I used to be the most independant person I knew. I hated every single moment of deployment. But I lived. I breathed. I even admit- I had some fun adventures!
I look back and remember, and I realize that I was given grace to endure it.
That I was never alone.
But I don't feel like that person anymore.
I don't feel strong and independant. or carefree or go with the flow.
I feel clingy and weak and co-dependant. And must have a plan D incase A,B and C don't pan out.
I feel smaller and a little less confidant that I can do it again.
I don't feel like I am qualified to fill this role anymore.
Somehow I am still reeling from the roller coaster ride 2 years ago.
2 years. and I still have the nightmares.
Drill weekends still bring occasional tears. a drill WEEKEND.
Didn't I used to laugh at 3 months? Like it was a breeze to endure after 13?
Where did she go?
The one held it together, smiled bravely and said everything was fine-
just so he'd make it through his day with ease?
I think she's still in there somewhere... but how do I find her?

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