Monday, October 31, 2011

If I'm asked ONE.MORE.TIME....

I don't often get intensely personal in my posts,
mostly because, its scary.
In fact, I haven't since this post
 
It's nerve-wracking to air all your secrets on public clothes-line strung up across the world for everyone to see.
 
But a dear friend once told me that if you can name your fears, well then they aren't so big anymore. so I'm going "to punch it square in the face" and maybe it will loosen its annoying grip.
 
 No one, and I mean no one knows this. except for my best friend. (but everyone knows that not telling secrets excludes your best friend unless specified right?)
 
My Soldier and I have been married almost 3 years.
We're mid twenties and have years ahead of us.
 
and yet its EVERYONE's favorite question.
 
It doesn't matter if we are in the commissary talking to the cashier, at church chatting with friends, or bumping into old aquaintances while running errands.
But my favorite is when its your family. or his.
That ask every.single.time.you.see.them.
 
And I calmly smile and pull out a diffusing answer.
to get them to shut up.
when I really just want to flip.my.top.
like a tea kettle that has sat on a hot stovetop for a few minutes, steaming and whistling and threatening to blow.
 
It's gonna happen. If I'm asked.ONE.MORE.TIME.
 
"So when are you two going to start having children?"
"Don't you want to hold a cuddly little baby and know you created them?"
"You don't have any children YET?"
"Oh- are you waiting for some reason?"
"You probably just want to keep your hubby to yourself right? Just don't wait too long!"
" I understand, you want to wait until he's sure to be home and not deployed right? Well, you know honey- there is never any assurance if he's in for the long haul."
 
And my favorites after I've calmly pulled out some statement like,
 "we've got our hands full with a puppy right now!" and "we've only been married for 3 years, and we're barely mid twenties. there's no rush!" or my fall back if nothing appeases them, "well, I'd like to wait until I'm sure I won't be single parenting for the first year of their life" :
 
"Oh, well I guess it is the Lord's timing. Don't worry, you'll have plenty of time to have a baby"
"Oh no! Don't wait, its so much easier to have someone else to care for through deployment. Then you won't be sitting around the house lonely and miserable"
"Well, if all else fails- there is always adoption and you are the perfect couple to love another child as your own!"
 
So I bite my tongue and smack a fake smile on my face.
When want I really want to do is scream at them and blurt the truth.
 
We have tried. and tried. and tried.
And its not happening. and they say nothing is wrong.
And He doesn't want to try any more right now. so seeing a doctor again is pointless.
And every single time you ask that question you are ripping my heart open and stabbing me in the gut.
And yes, I'm happy for all of my friends who got married after me that are happily starting a family, thanks for pointing that out by the way.
And can you please. just. stop. talking about it.
And of course I want to carry life and see my husband in our children.
Of course I think about getting older and him leaving me all alone when he deploys again.
And I'm very well aware that you want to be a gramma. Don't you think I want to be a mother?
Can't you see that I'm at the brink of tears or fuming every time you bring it up?
And why is it, that every single person wants to announce how many of their friends are having babies right now? or have just found out that they are pregnant.
 
I am done. I can't take it any more.
I don't want to talk about it. I don't want everyone to know and talk about it themselves.
But the asking has got to stop.
The pressure has got to stop.
Because if I'm asked ONE. MORE. TIME.
 
I might just die.
 
 
{so much for punching fear in the face huh?}
{maybe next time...}
 

5 comments:

Dana B. said...

I love you.

That's all.

Lydia said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this! My sister and her husband are dealing with relatively the same thing. They've been married for four years and have been trying for two (and are told nothing is wrong). But, our parents don't know that. She's entrusted me with that information, because the hurt has just become too much. She doesn't get too much flack from our parents, but she does get a lot from our other sisters and extended family. Sometimes I just wish I could step in for her and help heal some of the pain. I see how much it hurts her, so I have a glimpse of how it's hurting you. I'm so sorry!

Melissa said...

I know exactly how you feel because my huisband and I are going through the same thing. We have tried for over a year & are sick and tired of people asking. We are to the point that we aren't even trying anymore. We just said when it happens it happens. Don't worry love, just like us it will happen eventually.

Kate said...

Do I need to come back and have some words with a certain family member? Because I will make her shut up. I know she's not the only one hurting you, but good Lord, she is merciless! I am so sorry that everyone - family and strangers - don't seem to realize that the constant probing and questioning is both none of their business and HURTFUL. Huge hugs for you, love.

Alia said...

:( This makes me sad for you. Thinking about you!

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