Lost in Cyberspace

So, as a first-day-back special treat, I was assigned a literature paper. (my very LEAST favorite subject. Ok- well at least this class. I usually love it) Anyways... my topic is the novel, "Madame Bovary" by Flaubert and the role of female rebellion within the book. Personally, I really didn't enjoy the book, but thats the topic so I'm dealing. I started doing research for critique articles and journals, but came up with nada. I've tried my school library, online libraries, Google Scholar etc. Nothing. Any one know of literary resource finders? What have you used for sources in the past?

and the chains return...

Back to school.

Not happy about it.

tuesdays. worst day ever. literature. yuck.

8 weeks. May 15th. freedom.

8.painful.long.weeks.

Senioritis anyone?

All Things Blue

my fabulous find

adding to my collection

the BEST part?

after sales, discounts and a gift card:

$2.69.

bargain bliss.

To Honor a Hero

Because you can't imagine what it would feel like.

But the thought hits you like a punch in the stomach and there's no air even though you know you're breathing.

Because you feel guilty for even thinking it, but you're glad its not you.

Because you know it will happen to someone else and theres nothing you can do.

You place yourself in her shoes for a moment and feel like there's no escape.

You realize you are the lucky one...

Because it could have been you. could be you.

These are the reasons I can't find the words, I can't speak. I can't begin to say how much my heart is aching for a stranger I've never met, but know she one of us...

I am so sorry my dear friend.

I can't imagine facing that day. Answering that door.

Thank you for your sacrifice. For loving a soldier.

Thank you for serving by his side, as he gave the ultimate sacrifice.

To say that my prayers are with you seems insufficient...

Thank you, Cpl Jonathan Daniel Porto.

You are a hero.

You know you're in love with a Soldier when...

You're driving down the road, belting out a song with the radio and suddenly tears are streaming down your face... because you see this familiar glorious sight. and even though your Soldier will be home by dinner time, you still feel the rush of emotions that come with the memory of hanging your own yellow ribbons.

Remember that glorious wonderful day? You can read about it here.

To whoever is finally able to hold your soldier tonight, call them for the first time in months, and follow them around aimlessly, in perfect bliss- congratulations on your hero's homecoming!Congratulations on your completion of deployment. Because lets face it, if home is where the heart is, and your heart is overseas, you were every bit deployed as the uniform. Sleep tonight, it's finally come to an end.

Hooah.

My Soul Tattoo: Hooah, Hooah, Hooah!!

(For one of my classes, I was given a composition assignment to explain "my own individual culture and worldview, which developed as a result of a personal experience"... this is what came out of it. Though we weren't married at the time of deployment, for correct verb "tense", I wrote it from my perspective now, as an Army wife.)

Hooah, Hooah, Hooah.

“Fall Out!”, were the blessed words quickly echoed by a hundred pairs of shifting feet as ***** Company ***** Aviation Regiment- of the Army National Guard, were dismissed from company formation. After a yearlong deployment to Iraq, the “Heroes Welcome Home Ceremony” commenced during the early morning hour of 0300 on New Year’s Day. A multitude of loved ones: husbands, wives, parents, children, friends and family, scanned the crowd for their soldiers, anxious for their long-awaited embrace. Reporters, photographers and troop greeters, along with local and state officials, were also present within the Army Aviation Support Facility at ******* International Airport- to offer their support and gratitude to the troops. For the first time in twelve long months, the heroes of *** were home at last.

I remember the initial feeling that swept over me as I fell into his uniformed chest and breathed in a sigh of relief. It was finally over. No longer would there 5,050 miles, an ocean, a continent, and a time zone to separate us. No more unpredictable five-minute phone calls, or unreliable video chats spaced too far between. All the sleepless nights, lonely days and sick worried feelings would be no more. He was home- to call whenever I needed, to ask him how his day went, to sit and stare at.

As an army wife who has endured the deployment of her husband, I have been left with a life impression many will never experience. That impression has, in many ways, altered and modified my thought process and evaluations of the world. The ways in which I communicate with others and react to my surroundings seem at many times to be sifted through a filter of “military life.” In response, my culture and worldviews have been greatly affected.

When my husband first deployed I had no expectations of what the year would hold. New to me were the ways of the military- the regulations, the military “speak,” the hardships, the honor and pride of supporting a soldier, and the sacrifices that came with them. I was not prepared for the bizarre effects that would become unleashed at any given moment or provoked by the slightest things such as a song on the radio, a soldier in uniform, or an army bumper sticker. It is a strange thought to realize that the ways in which you use to process and filter the world and your environment have been tinted. For me, it was the insignificant things. A computer was no longer just a research engine, but a lifeline to the other side of the world. My phone was a new appendage; I carried it to every room constantly staring at it, as if I could entice the ringer to sound. Simple everyday materials morphed from convenience to necessity. Not all technology was appreciated however; evening news became an instant stomachache. Half-reported stories of the frontlines, from a biased political perspective, hardly comfort a family awaiting the return of their soldier. Despite the struggle of being separated from a loved one in such frightening circumstances as war, I have come to acknowledge the great lessons and privileges arising from military life.

Perhaps one of the greatest blessings of military life has been the friendships in which I have come to treasure. A dear friend of mine, whose husband was also deployed last year, has become a confidant, shrink, congratulator, comforter and supporter. Though she lives across country where her husband is now stationed, we have a bond that only deployment could have created. Understanding the difficulties, the nightmares, frustrations and celebrations of a text message from Iraq at 2:00 a.m., she and I developed our own sort of “army wives club.” These are the friendships that carry you through and give you hope when the rest of the world around you moves on with life, while yours has temporarily frozen in time waiting for combat boots to grace your doormat once again.

Though my husband’s deployment starkly changed my entire world, there is one constant that remained the same: yesterday, today, and tomorrow. That is the hope and comfort I have through my faith in Christ. From birth, I was raised in a Christian home centered upon Biblical principles. These truths have shaped the ways in which I endure trials, overcome challenge and maintain confidence in His control. If it were not for my faith and security in knowing my husband is protected and watched over, my experience of deployment would have been drastically different. There would have been no comfort in the unknown, no peace when seeing the headlines of casualty numbers. I can look back over the last year, see a purpose and design because I look with eyes of faith and belief in a Sovereign God.

It has been almost fourteen months since I greeted my husband at the “Heroes Welcome Home Ceremony” that frigid New Year’s morning and life has, for the most part, returned to normal. The nightmares ceased after the first few months; I am able to leave my phone while walking into another room, and video chats have been banned for the immediate future. Combat boots and ACU’s (Army Combat Uniforms) line our closet, two plates are set at the dinner table and I no longer go to sleep without goodnight wishes. My army wife view, however, I still wear like a soul tattoo, stamped across my life. I still see uniformed soldiers in an airport and tear up, hear those same songs on the radio and I am, in an instant, an ocean apart from my soldier once again.

My husband is slightly amused by this, often joking that he was deployed, and I emerged with posttraumatic stress disorder. In some ways, I think he has a valid point. Deployment changed me. It changed the way I walk through each day, convicting me to appreciate all I have and remember those who still endure the challenges of deployment. Some of those changes are for the better. I make an effort to tell those uniforms in the airport how proud and grateful I am of their selflessness and dedication. I find myself more empathetic and compassionate. Dirty uniforms overflowing the hamper bring a smile rather than more work. Changes, though minute, speak in volumes.

Life- it is challenging, sometimes difficult to bear, but within it holds beautiful blessings. The filter I now see the world through has brought me to a place of humility, gratitude, pride and honor. My values were deepened, my perseverance stretched, my friendships strengthened and, my love defined. As I read through the pages of our life during deployment, I mentally underline the phases that reshaped, modeled and transformed my own individual culture as an army wife. Among the script, I find what was once spoken as an encouragement between two army wives and dear friends, is now a confident utterance of accomplishment and survival. HOOAH. HOOAH. HOOAH.

Who Would Have Thought?

Apparently ground cloves work as a fabulous remedy for a tooth ache. better than oral anethestic. I should have called four days ago. Mama does always know best!

Aching Wisdom

At any one time in the last four days I have had within my immediate reach: Orajel, Tylenol, ice packs, popsicles and frozen yogurt. Yup, my wisdom teeth decided to make their grand appearance. now. I am miserable. Like a baby teething. Pathetic huh? Apparently my pain tolerance isn’t as high as I would like to think. I feel like someone hauled back and punched me in the jaw. And yes, I know what that feels like. Ever play soccer? And yes, you are supposed to only use feet, but competition is ruthless. Anyways... so here I am, cheeks like a chipmunk packing for hibernation, with raccoon eyes because I haven’t slept the last two nights. Wonderful right? I have actually contemplated lodging an ice cube in the side of my mouth despite my gag reflex. Ugh. And I thought Spring Break was for relaxation and a pain free environment. So I’m thinking lunch will consist of Cold Stone strawberry mango sorbet... it’s guilt free when it’s a valid necessity right?

Spring Break To-Do List(s)

Freedom!!! well- partial freedom anyways... I still have a thousand things due upon returning to classes post break, however I am free to sit in pjs and accomplish them within the confines of my own livingroom. fabulous. now for that list:

BLOG!! BLOG!! BLOG!!
(I'm not even sure if anyone reads this anymore, its been so long....)
Clean. everything:
kitchen
dining room
livingroom
hallway closet
guest bedroom and closets (aka- storage room-ugh)
our bedroom and closets (weed through clothes and Army gear- something(s) have got to go!)
scrub bathrooms and organize linen closet
Organize my life:
bookshelvesfile cabinets
Army "stuff"
school papers, assignments, loan info. etc.,
SCRAPBOOOK! (fun!)
Read at least 3 books (NOT assigned by professors)
Tea with Em
Shopping with Mama
Phone date with Kate!
can't really cross that off- its a constant need...
Classes:
Take home test
Read "Summer"
Research for Lit. Paper (eww)
Update Resume and Journals for Internship
Study for Midterm in Am.Lit.

Perhaps I will stop here for now. I think I have some work to do.