Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Let the Waters Rise if You Want them To....

It seems like Jesus has given me a song for each day this week, just enough to keep me singing through it. His grace is sufficient. Doesn't he always provide? Sometimes through means we can't always see, understand or even appreciate...but he is always faithful. Always present.

*****

On Monday I finally went to see my Nana. It was a difficult goodbye and I dreaded it so much. I barely said two words to my husband the whole drive. And believe me, only two words in an hour is a statement in itself. He was worried. (If you're concluding that I always have something to say- you win.) We arrived to meet my parents before going in to see her. I thought I was doing ok, but then I saw my daddy. You know when you were a kid and you fell and scraped your knee, holding in tears only until you see your Mom's face before falling apart?

Yup, that's my dad. Still works. Every time.

I lost it. But I knew I had to see her. To say goodbye. To tell her she could go home and didn't have to wait any more. I was the last one....I just couldn't do it before. I wasn't ready. But she was my Nana- she deserved a goodbye. I wanted to show her the same love and respect she had modeled to me growing up. I wanted to tell her I loved her again.

She's been sick for a long time. She was diagnosed with dementia four years ago, but for the last year and a half she hasn't recognized any of us. I used to see her every day, until the day she walked right by me in the hallway. And then the next time I went she was rocking a baby doll, singing my favorite song... it was too painful. I've wrestled guilt for a while, not visiting her in so long. Not being strong enough to handle the pain just to see her. She never knew... we were just faces at that point. But I still feel badly about it. When I went to say goodbye, I was taken back. She wasn't at all the Nana I had known. The pictures I had memorized in my mind.

She was sleeping. Snoring actually. loudly. The medications they had said. It took me a while to enter the room. We stood around the bed, talked about the funny memories and little quirks we all loved about Nana. We cried. And then I had them leave so I could say goodbye.

At first I just sat and held her hand. What can you say to a woman who loved you all your life, who made the best root beer floats, taught you to knit, gave you "mcdonalds money", had tea parties with real china and was present at every important event in your life?

I love you. I miss you. Your skin is still so soft and lovely.
I am excited for you to see His face.
I will see you again soon.

Tuesday evening my mom called. She wanted my younger brother to spend the night. She thought it was time. Two hours later she called my brother, Nana had gone to be with the Lord. I didn't cry. I needed to be the one to be strong. And praise the Lord he gave me the strength.

It was a hard evening for all of us. But a celebration too. There is no more pain, tears, or fear for her now. She is sitting at the foot of Christ. In awe of his splendor.
I'm so glad I said goodbye. I'm glad she didn't have to wait anymore.

******
I had an appointment this morning and on the way I realized that the traffic was backed up more than usual for that part of town. And then at my exit, I realized why.

Several huge firetrucks lined the exit- displaying a glorious American flag, hung in honor of Sgt. Brandon Silk.Little did I know that my husband and his unit had just saluted our hero and my dad was among the police officers to escort him and the family. I was directly behind his processional home. I don't know why the Lord planned it that way- it was more than I could take at the moment. But there I was driving behind the crowds who came to pay respects and honor a hero, streets lined with flags, ribbons and posters, trying to make sense of it all. I can't come up with any answers as of now. Except that He knows best for us. That doesn't always comfort as it should.

As difficult as its been to watch my Nana become weaker and weaker, I have a better grasp on her death. She lived life, she honored the Lord. She loved and was loved. Her death is mourned, but it was expected.

Brandon's...I'm not handling so well. He was 25. Only two years older than I am. His life was just beginning. I try and make sense of this roller coaster of military life. I try and understand the sacrifice and dedication that I have become part of. That I take pride and honor in.


But now it's different. Now it's personal. It's close. Too close.

Before, this horrid fear caught in the pit of your stomach was around the corner.... on the next page forbidden to be turned... Now, it's next door. It's not that "I can't imagine", "It won't happen to me"... it's real. This scary, horrid, painful fear is real.

You can't escape it. You can't deny it. You can't ignore it.
It could happen. It might be me someday. It did happen to someone.

I sit here typing as my gorgeous soldier plays baseball on the wii, and life appears so simple...uncomplicated. safe. But it isn't.

Tomorrow he could deploy. Tomorrow he could be that soldier. that blackhawk crew chief. Tomorrow that could be me answering that knock on the door. It's unlikely sure, but it could happen.

But fear can't win. It can't control us. It can't control me.

because my God is BIGGER. GREATER. MIGHTIER.

He will give me enough grace for each moment. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.
He still deserves my praise. And He is faithful to help me sing each day.

*****

Don't know where to begin
Its like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here?
sometimes its so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to God,
I trust You
There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You, I will follow You

listen here.

5 comments:

Alia said...

HIS grace is Sufficient! I am thinking of you this week!

beka said...

Oh dear.
Make me cry...especially about the Grandma-going-to-Jesus thing.
But also about Brandon. I'm so sorry.

(tells self: hold onto Jesus...hold onto Jesus...)

JG said...

I'm sorry about your loss. I'm facing the reality that my grandma isn't long for this world, and while I know where she's going, it doesn't make it much easier to face the fact that she won't be here.

Thanks for this post. I found it very comforting today.

Mrs. Wifey said...

Oh dear...this is real sentimental. Jesus is bigger than all of our troubles.

Musings Of An Army Wife

Mary @ Giving Up On Perfect said...

I love the way God sends us messages. :)

Ahhh, goodbyes are so hard, but what a blessing that you had one.

I just saw today that you have me on your must-read blog list. Thank you so much. :)

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